Winston: Ah, hey there, precious. Yeah, you're quiet now, but when that air pressure hits you, you're gonna be screaming like a cat in the dishwasher. And I won't stop you. [later:] (yells in pain) You gonna bite me? When we get on the plane, I'm gonna bite you back. Breast-feeding is a... very sensitive subject for me.

Barry: People think Christmas is gonna be like Love Actually and "God Only Knows" is gonna play over their happy ending, but it won't. Do what I do. Hide out with a pizza and save the big issues for the New Year.
Jess: Oh, God.
Barry: Don't judge me for eating pizza!
Jess: No. My presents are gone.
Barry: What?
Jess: Santa stole my presents. He was a Reverse Santa.
Barry: "Reverse Santa"?
Jess: What am I gonna do now?
Barry: Well, you can't go now.
Jess: You're right. I can't. [sends a text message]
Barry: God, I'm drunk at work.

Coach: [on the phone] Hey. Let me talk to Ro-Ro.
Trish: Hmm-mm. I'm not trying to make you feel better about lying naked on the beach sipping some nonsense instead of seeing your family.
Coach: And are you using the cuteness of your daughter to blackmail me to come to Christmas?
Trish: Am I? Yeah, I am, actually.
Coach: Ro-Ro, it's your Uncle Ernie! If you can hear me, get your mom's hair wet, then get on the phone while she's freaking out!
Trish: You want to speak to your niece, you know where she is.

Schmidt: Diversification. That's what it's all about. You know, I keep telling Nick that, but he won't listen to me.
Robert: Hey, man to man.
Schmidt: Anything. What?
Robert: I'd love to take a run at your girl.
Schmidt: [chuckles] Excuse me?
Robert: Now, don't tell me you're exclusive. Successful men like us, we don't order just one item off the menu. I'll tell you what. You do this for me, and I'll do this for you. Gold Select. Gets you into any airport club in the world... minus New Zealand.

Jess: So they go to this bar in Chicago to get Winston laid...
Barry: And one of these guys is your ex?
Jess: Yeah, Nick.
Barry: Mm, the nicest thing I ever did for an ex is give him a ride to the airport. And for me, that's just going to work, and I still barely did it. [Jess laughs] Okay, please don't take this as a Christmas miracle. But what can I do to help? Do you want to fly first-class somewhere, like Pittsburgh? And then tell everyone you're a Latin pop star? I did that once, and it's kind of the perfect Christmas. You can pass as Latin.
Jess: Actually, you know what I'd love?
[cut to:]
Barry: [to Nick] Hope first class is okay. And don't freak out, but I think Paul Dano's on your flight. And don't thank me, thank her. But thank me also, because I'm the one that did it.

Cece: Come on, just tell me what he said.
Schmidt: Without going into specifics, he disrespected something more important to me than any stupid lounge.
Cece: Daniel Craig's tailoring?
Schmidt: No. Something priceless.

Cece: Hey.
Schmidt: What?
Cece: I stole you something. Bam!
Schmidt: You sneaky Indian mouse. [Cece giggles] I'm in my own lounge now.
Cece: [laughs] Look, I know this is kind of dumb to say, but I really like being your friend.
Schmidt: My friend. I like being your friend, too.
Cece: Yeah. Merry Christmas, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Merry Christmas, Cecilia.

Winston: Ooh, this is a fancy seat. Reminds me of the seat my grandmother used to ride up and down the stairs in.
Nick: [on the phone] Hey, Jess.
Winston: Damn thing was comfortable.

Nick: Jess. You're not spending Christmas alone.
Jess: Oh, no.
Nick: You're going to England.
Jess: What are you guys doing?
Nick: Hey, you think you're gonna lose Ryan 'cause you're not good enough for his stupid family? Has he ever had five people get off planes for him?
Coach: I-I hadn't gotten on mine, yet.
Schmidt: T-To be fair, we were in the food court, but it's beautiful, keep going, Nick.
Winston: Look, Jess, we're not getting on our flights unless you get on yours.
Schmidt: Airport chicken, that's right.
Coach: You want to take down everyone's Christmases?
Winston: Don't be that person.
Nick: You got to go to England, and you have to just try. Go to England, Jess, it's worth it.
Jess: But my flight's boarding, and I don't have any gifts, and there's no way I'm gonna make it.
Cece: Oh, no, you are gonna make it, come on.

Cece: But you, Jess, you're going...
Both: To London!
Jess: [in English accent] 'Ello, guvnor.
Schmidt: You got to stop it with that accent.
Jess: Fancy a tickle?
Schmidt: Borderline racist.
Jess: Check it out. I'm coming in hot with gifts for the family. I'm ready for anything.
Schmidt: Is that a wallet necklace?
Jess: Yeah, so I don't get pickpocketed.
Schmidt: Smart. Keep that money away from them Gypsies.