Nick: And you guys are wrong about Chloe. Okay, Chloe is smart and she's mature and she knows about art and famous artists like Banksy and the guy who did the Obama poster and, you know, like, Chalk Outline Guy.
Sarah: [giggles] That's stupid. Your eyes are so brown. They look like poop.
Nick: Be honest with me... do my eyes look like poo?
Schmidt: There's a bit of a, a poopy-ish hue.
Jess: Old poo eyes.

Winston: What's going on?
Joe Napoli: What are you talking about, man? I'm sweating spicy ban hoaw, wearing a Cambodian woman's shoes. What do you think is going on?
Winston: I don't know, I'm just trying to give you an opportunity to lie to me, Joe, just trying to be polite.

Schmidt: All right, yeah, sure, yeah, I'll just... I'll ask somebody else, I'll just... yeah, totally, and with these VIP tickets I got... poppacorno.
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Poppacorno. Poppacorno. It's "popcorn" in Italian.

Chloe: I love the juxtaposition of high-brow literary with low-brow youth culture.
Nick: It's almost too much juxtaposition for me. You know what I mean? It's, like, right up to the line of juxtaposition, but I think I'm gonna let it slide.

Jess: Sarah, not Nick's room. It's not well ventilated in there.

Cece: I've had enough of this little... Listen to me. Listen to me. All right, you little brat, you just need to be quiet because I need my friend to focus on me right now!

Nick: Okay, I'm not ready to be a godparent. Don't ask.
Schmidt: No one's asking you.
Nick: Phew, good. I'm not into being an uncle.
Schmidt: You're not my brother!

Nick: Okay, Schmidt, are you sure you're okay about this? 'Cause I'm freaking out by the fact that you're not freaking out!
Schmidt: Yeah, I'm oddly calm about the whole thing. Look, Nick, maybe this isn't exactly in my five-year plan, but maybe this is fate. You know, maybe I hit the jackpot. Maybe this is the universe telling me that I'm never gonna find a girl better than Cece. By, the way, I'm-I'm Schmidt.
Chloe: Chloe. Mazel tov on your news.
Schmidt: Oh, my God, finally, Nicholas. You bring home a nice girl.
Nick: Right?

Schmidt: I'm so excited to take this journey with you. I mean, your boobs are gonna be unbelievably enormous.

Winston: So, come on, man. What's up?
Joe Napoli: Michael Strahan makes me feel like an idiot. Okay? I mean, he thinks he's better than me. He wins the Super Bowl, and suddenly, he's the best at everything.
Winston: What's he better than you at? Huh? Marriage, probably. Money management, I would say. Probably he's better than you at that.
Joe Napoli: Well...
Winston: He's not better than you at yard sales.
Joe Napoli: He's good at yard sales.
Winston: Yeah, but he's not better than you. So here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna walk into that studio, and you're gonna show him the Napoli that I saw today. The one that I saw grabbed seven copies of Speed on VHS at a yard sale for a fraction of the retail price. When's the last time Strahan did that? Boom. You're not gonna let him win.