Schmidt: Thank you guys for coming. It's really helpful that you're here. I'm trying to get my boss to give me the new account. I just have to figure out how to sell sponges to men. What do I have? I have a blood-stained idea notebook filled with terrible ideas. I don't know what to do, you guys.
Winston: Damn it! "Spongey make wipey." I like that.
Schmidt: Okay, please. I don't have a lot of time. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna say the word "sponge", and you guys are gonna say the first word that pops into your head, okay? Ready, one, two, three. Sponge.
Nick: Sponge!
Winston: Yellow.
Coach: Sponge.
Nick: That was mine.

Schmidt: Okay, let's just try this. We're gonna try this one more time. Okay? Just clear your head, okay? So I'm gonna say the word, and you're gonna say the first word that pops in your head. Okay, it might be "sponge."
Don't say "sponge."
Coach: Sponge!
Winston: Sponge.
Schmidt: Damn it! Focus!

Schmidt: I'm sorry. Okay, let's just try it again.
Winston: Give me a shot. Give me a shot. Give me a shot.
Schmidt: I'm gonna say "sponge" one more time, first word that pops into your head. Ready? One, two, three, sponge.
Winston: Sponge. Aah!
Schmidt: Winston!
Winston: Sorry. So much pressure, man.

Schmidt: Okay, you know what? Let's move on to Coach. Coach, here we go. You're the man of the group. You should be good at this. We're selling sponges to men. Ready, one, two, three, sponge.
Coach: Sponge.
Schmidt: Why would you say that?
Coach: Okay, okay, okay.
Schmidt: Okay, come on, come on. Sponge.
Coach: Cake.
Winston: What?
Schmidt: Cake.
Coach: Sponge cake.
Schmidt: No!

Ashley: Oh, it's just so great to see you guys again. Will you please remind me? Were you there my first senior year or my second? I was not good at high school. Oh, the early 2000s. God, I did so much E. Just doing E, watching that show Ed.
Cece: I would love to know how you two lovers met.
Ashley: Oh, yeah!
Bob Day: Oh, yeah, sure.
Ashley: Okay, so I was listening to him sing with his band, The Co-Pays.
Jess: I didn't know you were in a band, Dad.
Bob Day: Yeah, just... just me and a few other pharmacists. You know, we do alt rock covers.
Ashley: Oh, man, when he started singing "She's So High"...
Bob Day: [sings] She's so high...
Ashley: Stop. Because I'm gonna fall in love again. Okay, go, I want to.
Bob Day: [sings] She's so high...

Cece: Ashley, have you kept in touch with our DARE officer?
Jess: Oh! Cece.
Ashley: Oh. Okay, I... I get it. You guys heard about that rumor that I had sex with the DARE officer?
Jess: No! Only a crazy person...
Ashley: That rumor was true.
Jess: Crazy fun person.
Ashley: Oh, yeah, that guy. Wow, I did not just say no. I said yes.
Bob Day: Oh, yeah.
Ashley: I just said, "Yes, yes, yes."
Bob Day: Oh, she said yes a lot. She's had sex with hundreds of guys.
Ashley: Yeah.
Bob Day: You know, we spent some time trying to total them all up.
Ashley: It was fun.
Bob Day: Killed a whole Saturday. Yeah.
Ashley: We couldn't even get through the list.
Bob Day: We got to the "Ls."

Ashley: But that was in the past. And then I was diagnosed with a sex addiction.
Jess: Oh, great.
Ashley: Thankfully, I attended rehab. Which... did not take the first time. Or the second. But third time's the charm. For a lot of people. Not for me. For me, it took four. Four times. Well, Bobby, we should get ready to go to the beach.
Bob Day: Okay.
Ashley: Yeah. Thank you so much for this delicious brunch, Jess. It was wonderful. I ate so much, I'm gonna have to bang nine guys just to work it off. [Bob laughs]
Jess: Oh, my goodness.
Ashley: I'm kidding. I did do that once, but I'm not gonna do it this time. It's all in the past for me.

Bob Day: Isn't she great? I just love her. She makes me laugh so much.
Jess: [groans]
Bob Day: What? What... what, are you humming?
Jess: Mm... Dad, just so we have this conversation...
Bob Day: No, no, Jess.
Jess: She seems like the type of girl who might hurt you.
Bob Day: Jessica...
Jess: I've seen you get hurt by a lot less.
Bob Day: Please, don't... don't go there. No matter what you say, you're not gonna change my mind. I'm in love with her, and I'm gonna marry her.
Cece: Gonna... get a new mom, Jess.
Bob Day: [sings] She's so high...

Coach: Why are we meeting in a parking garage?
Schmidt: Because what we are doing is unsavory and we're hiding from God.
Nick: And you also... you promised Winston and everybody pizza, so...
Winston: Yeah, you definitely did.
Schmidt: Yes, there'll be pizza.
Coach: "I love sponges because they connect my heart to my hand."
Schmidt: Look, I had to scramble, you guys. I told my bosses how much men love to clean.

Winston: After long and thoughtful and careful consideration, Winston is in.
Schmidt: Okay.
Winston: Assuming pizza is still on the table. [long silence]
Schmidt: Say "pizza" one more time, Winston.
Nick: No, just don't. Just don't.
Winston: No, we just never talked about when we're gonna...
Nick: Don't.
Coach: Just don't bring it up. He's getting really mad.
Winston: Like, delivery of...
Schmidt: Say "pizza." Say "pizza" one more time.
Nick: Don't say it again.
Schmidt: Say "pizza" again.
Winston: Pizza.
Schmidt: Say "pizza" one more time, I'm gonna k... kill you!