Jess: Dad, she's cheating on you!
Bob Day: What?
Jess: Yeah, just ask Jim. At 10:40, Jim heard she was in town. At 11:52, Jim had his hands down his pants. And at 11:53... Cumin? What, is he cooking cumin? [Cece clears her throat] Oh, my God. My dad is the best guy in
the world, and you better hit the damn road, unless you want to say hello to my old friends Crabtree and Evelyn.
Ashley: That's my work phone. I'm a sex therapist. Jim is my client.
Jess: Your... your client?
Bob Day: Client!
Jess: Client.
Ashley: Client.
Bob Day: Client.
Cece: Am I supposed to say "client" now?

Ashley: I'm gonna go. This was clearly a mistake.
Bob Day: No.
Ashley: And for the record, George Jiang gave me giardia. I saved you from a hideous river disease.
Jess: Thank you.

Schmidt: So, uh, why don't you tell me what you think about that sponge there, Coach. I mean... [clears throat] Ernie. I don't know why I would call you Coach.
Coach: Okay. Um... Well, I love sponges because they connect my heart to my hand.
Schmidt: Wow, thank you so much for that.
Coach: I wish my buddies could see me now.
Schmidt: What?
Coach: They'd be all like, "Hey, man, let me get a hit of that squishy whip."
Schmidt: Right on. Way to, uh, add your own take. Uh, to... to your... to your own take.

Winston: You know, I... I have something I'd like to add.
Schmidt: Please.
Winston: Um, I like cleaning.
Schmidt: You like cleaning.
Winston: It is the only thing I can control in a world filled with chaos.
Schmidt: Thank you.
Winston: May I add, I am Thor, and this is my hammer, Mjolnir. M... Melnir. Mjolnir.
Schmidt: Okay, wonderful detail. Thank you so much for that.

Schmidt: Uh, how about you down there, Mayor of the Corner? [pounds table] Nick.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: How does cleaning make you feel?
Nick: Uh, like I... I'm cleaning. Move on to somebody else, please.
Schmidt: [quietly] Read the cards that I gave you. Remember the cards?
Nick: Not now.
Schmidt: [pounds table] Read your cards!
Nick: You want to know what I think about your sponges?! [imitates farting]
Gina: Well, this is clearly rigged. My office. Now, Schmidt.

Bob Day: The point is I'm still standing, and I can take care of myself. Yes, I might get hurt, but that'll be my problem. You don't need to do it anymore, Jess. I should be taking care of you. Ashley is different from any woman I've ever dated. She... she makes every day better. I... I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
Jess: Aw, Dad, that's so sweet.
Bob Day: Hey! Hey, Th... Ashley!
Jess: What did she do? She went out and found a guy? She's gonna relapse. Um... Oh, we have to turn her off. Ashley... Let's turn on NPR and blare it.

Jess: Ashley, if you're gonna relapse, relapse with my dad.
Ashley: I'm not relapsing. This is Roy. He's my L.A. sponsor.
Bob Day: This is Roy? Oh! You know, I... I always wanted to meet you. Hi. Jess, he's not a strange man. He's a sex addict.
Roy: Former sex addict. Uh, current chocoholic. [to Jess] I'd be in trouble if you were black.
Jess: Thank you?

Jess: Ashley, look, I screwed up. I have to let my dad make mistakes.
Ashley: Oh, I'm a mistake?
Jess: No, you are not a mistake. That came out wrong.
Ashley: I'm sorry, Bob. I never meant to come between you and your daughter. I love you so damn much. You're my big, round, bald, fuzzy Weeble-Wobble. But I just... I just need a little space.
Jess: It's not over, Dad. Get the ring.

Schmidt: Do you really think that she's gonna have sex with you in that pulp-covered filth bunker?
Nick: I'll throw a tarp down.
Gina: Oh, God.
Schmidt: What if she's turned off by the mess? What if she's turned off by... What if she's turned off by the mess? Hey, Gina, why don't you hear me out here for a second.
Gina: That's all right.
Schmidt: If Nick cleans his room before Brittany comes over, he might get laid.
Nick: I don't know. It seems like a lot of work.
Schmidt: Not with the right tool. [hands him a sponge] We open up on a modern man with a nose that only America could love.
Nick: This might seem obvious, but what side does the dirty stuff go on?
Schmidt: He doesn't know a lot, but he's about to discover the ultimate wingman.
Nick: I bet this side is really good for tough areas.
Schmidt: The Man Sponge. Because the dirtiest thing in your room...
Nick: Probably be her. Yay. We're doing a pitch.
Schmidt: Yeah.

Bob Day: Jess, baby, baby, are you okay? You... Here, come on, come on. Let's get you to a hospital. Yeah. Yes.
Ashley: Oh, my God! Is she okay?
Bob Day: I don't know. I mean, are you okay?
Jess: You need to do it now, Dad, before we get flattened by a parade. Come on. [opens ring]
Bob Day: Ashley... will you marry me? And be the stepmom to a very crazy but... but very lovable woman?
Ashley: Yes. Yes. Yes! Oh, yes! Jess, you're my little girl now. Oh, Jess. You go to your room. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. But you should go to a... a hospital.