Jess: Dad. Thanks for waiting.
Bob Day: I wasn't waiting. I just can't get this damn thing started.
Jess: You're just pressing buttons.
Bob Day: This was supposed to be a big weekend for me and Ashley. I had everything planned. I... I even wrote new lyrics to our... our song. [sings] Ashley, marry me... [Jess starts the car] Y... you didn't have to do that, you know. I can take care of myself.
Jess: Can you? Dad, if I hadn't protected you after you and Mom's divorce, you would've ended up with Nancy Zimmerman.
Bob Day: Oh, Nancy Zimmerman.
Jess: She was bad news, Dad.
Bob Day: Ooh, v... very bad. You don't know the half of it. That woman made me try cocaine in 2005.
Jess: What, Dad?! Booger sugar?
Bob Day: Yes. Nicaraguan yazz.
Jess: Are you kidding me?
Bob Day: It was a very expensive evening. I wound up buying his and her Jet Skis.

Bob Day: Hey, sweetie. Hi. Hi.
Jess: Hi, Daddy.
Bob Day: Gee, I'm sorry we're late, you know, but we saw Seal at the airport. We talked to him for 20 minutes, got his autograph. Wasn't him.
Ashley: No.

Schmidt: Guys. Guys. I get sponges, this solves all our problems. Okay? I make more money, Nick gets his room back, I get my life back on track. Punting the Sweet Fantastic.
Nick: For the last time, Schmidt, that doesn't mean anything!

Jess: Hi, guys. Um, have either of you seen the French press?
Schmidt: The French press is in cupboard 64B. Did you not consult your item map?
Jess: No, I looked there. The Tagine's in 64B.
Schmidt: What is the Tagine doing in 64 frickin' B?!
Nick: I used the French press. Everybody chill out. So it's in here somewhere.
Schmidt: Nick, you know you're not allowed to use the French press.
Nick: I use it to get the pulp out of my juice. So just give me one second, I'll find it. Hold on. Oh, yeah. I wasn't looking for it, but I found my pulp bowl.
Schmidt: That is a crystal candy bowl filled with orange goop.
Nick: I don't need to sit here and take this! I'm going to my study.
Schmidt: You are gonna get back here and clean your room, mister!
Jess: Guys, I still need the French press.

Nick: Winston, I need my study corner!
Winston: No, not after last time.
[flashback to Winston going into his bedroom after a shower:]
Nick: Hey, Winnie! You know there's an Albany in California? Well, hello, Winston Bishop.
[present:]
Winston: I towel-burned my unders.

Coach: Well, I just prairie-dogged thanks to you guys. Stop fighting! Now the bathroom stinks for no reason.
Nick: You happy, Schmidt? You just scared Coach's poop!

Jess: Guys, chill out! Schmidt, your people have been selling sponges since the days of Abraham. You got this. Nick, the pulp bowl is real gross. Tighten up. Most importantly, my dad is coming with his new girlfriend, and I need the French press.
Coach: Oh, 64B.
Jess: The Tagine is in 64B.
Schmidt: 64B is occupied!
Nick: Uh, he said the Tagine is in 64B.
Schmidt: It stinks in there! What did you do?! You kill an animal?!

Cece: How long before you unleash holy hell on your dad's new girlfriend? I want to make sure I got a good seat and plenty of snacks.
Jess: Okay, Cecilia, look, I know I've been a little bit hard on my dad's girlfriends in the past...
[flashback to Young Jess and Cece in a tent with a woman:]
Young Jess: I know you stole my dad's credit card, Margot. Hit the damn road.
Margot: I don't have a car.
Young Jess: Find one.

Jess: I was the one who had to pick up the pieces when his heart got broken. Besides, to hear my dad talk, it sounds like he has really found someone who... is good for him.
Cece: Ha! And you believe that? Your dad has terrible taste in women. That's why I love him so much. Remember the one who pretended to be a paraplegic?
[flashback to Jess confronting a woman on the floor in front of a wheelchair:]
Jess: Get up!
Sarah: I can't! Oh, whatever. [stands up]
[present:]
Jess: That's the last one I met, and I'm lucky he's letting me meet this one.
Cece: So, what? You're just gonna be nice to her? No fireworks? No show?
Jess: I'm gonna be nice to her no matter who she is.
Cece: Then what the hell am I doing here?

Cece: What are you gonna do?!
Jess: Uh... Uh... nothing. I'm gonna be sweet and kind and supportive. Look, peop-peop... people change. People change. It's been 15 years.
Cece: She had sex with our DARE officer!
Jess: No way. There were rumors flying around about every damn one. You remember the rumor about me?
Cece: Oh, that you shaved your chin?
Jess: What? Was that was the rumor about me?
Cece: That was the rumor.
Jess: No. It was... definitely sexier than that.