Cece: So sorry I'm late, but Sadie would not stop going on about her divorce, and I was like, "Girl, can you just be quiet and look at my vagina, please?"
Jess: The fact that we have the same gynecologist really makes me feel closer to you.

Schmidt: [answers phone] What, Winston? I'm using social media.

Winston: Last box in the truck. Hmm. I haven't seen this room this empty since Steve left.
Aly: Who's Steve?
Winston: Oh, he was the guy who lived in this room before Jess. Real night screamer. He couldn't sleep unless he was screaming a whole bunch. Yeah.
Jess: I guess I should give you my keys.
Winston: Are you really not gonna tell Nick how you feel? That's such a Steve move.
Jess: [chuckles] Steve was in love with Nick?
Winston: Oh, yeah, and he never told him. That... sweet, gay coward.
Jess: Maybe Steve left this place and-and... and finally got the space that he needed to... become a better version of himself.
Winston: Yeah, I mean, he's selling tires in Little Rock.

Cece: Babe, hi. Are your pants off?
Jess: [sobbing] I... I went to the reading and...
Cece: Oh, no, what happened? I'm so sorry I'm not wearing pants. Schmidt's been so busy with work, we scheduled a no-pants dinner thing.
Jess: Do you want me to take my pants off, too?
Cece: Oh, no, honey. Tell me everything.

Aly: That's it. I'm all moved in. This is my last box and it's labeled "holiday important." So, it's definitely sex toys.
Winston: [laughs] Well, then I wonder what's in this box. It's labeled "documents." Eh, it's just documents.

Winston: Wait, wait, wait. You have a mug shot of the diaper bandit? With a phone number on the back?
Aly: All right. Listen, I-I wanted to wait for the right time to tell you this.
Winston: Have you been keeping in touch with the diaper bandit?
Aly: What? No. No, listen. I... That's actually your dad's phone number. You said you wanted to find him, so...
I found him.
Winston: [whispering] My dad is the diaper bandit?
Aly: No.
Winston: Oh.
Aly: Forget about the diaper bandit.
Winston: That'd have been weird.

Jess: I panicked, and I told him I was in Portland, and now I can't go back to the loft.
Schmidt: To play devil's advocate, he was just talking about characters in his novel. I mean, look, the character based on me is a Jewish psychopath who wears a bolo tie and eats applesauce out of a baboon's skull.

Schmidt: So Jess is just moving out because Nick said something dumb at a reading? Nick is always dumb. He's the dumbest boy in school.
Cece: I had no idea you cared so much about what happens to Nick and Jess.
Schmidt: How could I not? I've been watching these idiots do this dance for the last six years. He's rough and tumble. She's sweet and sassy. It's the moon and the tides, it's the push and the pull.
Cece: I know, it just makes so much sense.

Schmidt: Nick, I want to tell you something, but... but I can't. So I'm just gonna ask you this: why on earth do you think that you are so okay with this Reagan breakup?
Nick: Reagan and I are at different places of our life. It's fine. Why hasn't Jess called me back?
Schmidt: You guys are pretty good friends, right? But if you remember correctly, you didn't even want Jess to move in to the loft. Nick, why do you think that is?
Nick: I'm pretty freaked out by sanitary napkins.
Schmidt: Why don't you think you wanted Jess to move in to the loft?
Nick: I don't know, 'cause I, 'cause I was afraid.
Schmidt: Nick, you have been in love with this girl from the moment you opened the door and you first laid eyes on her. I have never seen you look at anyone else like that in my entire life. Except maybe, on a few occasions, me.
Nick: I've never looked at you the same way I look at Jess.
Schmidt: There's just been a few times.
Nick: I-- there's never been a time.
Schmidt: You looked at Coach maybe once or twice like that. Me, several times. Winston, never. Let's table it.
Nick: You're wrong. The first time I saw Jess was I was standing in her empty room, and I was looking out the window. She was trying to get in the building.
Schmidt: Okay.
Nick: Pretty hilarious. She didn't have her glasses on, and she was bumping into stuff.
Schmidt: Will you listen to yourself? I shouldn't be telling you this, but... Jess is not in Portland. She's here. And she's packing up her stuff because she's going to move out of the loft for good.
Merle Streep: Nick.
Nick: Wait, she's gonna move out of the loft?
Schmidt: For once in your life, don't be afraid.

Jess: You know what? You don't have to call him if you don't want to. You can always just escape to Portland-- oh, my God! You can come with me to Portland! Furgie's gonna love it. It's the second most cat-friendly Portland after Portland, Maine, according to Paws magazine.
Aly: Are you going to Portland?
Winston: No. Portland is hella white.