Jess: [on the phone] Oh, my God, Cece's pregnant.
Sadie: Why are you picking up someone else's phone?
Jess: Call back in five minutes, and we will agree to lie to our friend for the rest of our lives.
Sadie: Oh, God. You're gonna be in my office throughout the pregnancy, aren't you?

Nick: All right. Mr. Beezus.
Beezus: Mr. Schmidt likes to party. You like to party?
Nick: Wh-- Oh, very cool lights. But, no, uh, Beezus, I... I don't like to party...
Beezus: It's not the first time I've heard that.
Nick: I'm gonna go see a girl.
Beezus: Oh, good for you.
Nick: Yeah.
Beezus: Want to hear some music?
Nick: Sure, yeah, that could be inspiring.
Beezus: [sings] Hot cross buns Hot cross buns One a penny, two a penny Hot cross buns [speaks] Second chorus. [sings] Hot cross buns
Nick: Yeah, I cannot believe Schmidt likes this.
Beezus: Good when they're old But eat 'em when you can They're not as good when they're cold Hot cross buns.

Winston: Jess, I know you. You can't walk away without talking to him.
Jess: This is how I have to move on, and... I have to go.
Aly: Let's get on the road.
Jess: Okay.
Winston: Wait. [sighs] [line ringing]
Van: [recording] You've reached Van. Leave a message. [beep]
Winston: Hello, Van. This is Winston Bishop. I'm your son. I'm calling to tell you that I am getting married
to the most amazing woman in the world. And I turned out pretty great, too, so, um... call me whenever you're ready. Oh, also, I have a cat. He's not ready to have a relationship with you, so just don't try to force it on him. [phone beeps] Yeah, so... now it's your turn. Be brave.
Jess: I can't. I'm sorry.

Cece: Hey, babe, I'm back. Whew! [sighs] What's, uh... What's happening?
Schmidt: I'm pregnant.
Cece: What?
Schmidt: I mean, you're pregnant. We're pregnant. [chuckles] Sadie called you, and Jess picked up, then she called again and Winston picked up, Winston told me. It's an upsetting scene, but, um, we're having a baby, Cece. I wanted to buy you flowers, but I couldn't pick out which ones, so...
Cece: We're having a baby?
Schmidt: We're having a baby.
Cece: [whispers] We're having a baby. I really didn't think it was gonna happen for us.
Schmidt: It's a caramel miracle. [both laugh]

Nick: I couldn't find your trash bin, so I threw it away in the toilet.
Schmidt: What'd you throw in the toilet?
Nick: The, uh, salami in the fridge.
Schmidt: What?
Nick: I didn't flush it. So, you're gonna have a bunch of salami floating around in your toilet bowl.
Schmidt: What?

Jess: So, I've got it all planned out. I'm gonna surprise Nick at his book reading, and afterwards, when he's on a big high, I'm gonna tell him how I feel.
Cece: You think this is a little soon after the breakup with Reagan?
Jess: Yeah.
Cece: Yeah.
Jess: I'm worried, very worried. [chuckles] But you know what, I wrote everything out on the plane, like what I'm gonna say. It's all on flash cards, some of it's in song, I would do it for you, but some of the jokes are at your expense, so, uh... [Cece chuckles]
Cece: Jess, why don't you just tell him how you feel? You know, no jokes, no songs, just from the heart.
Jess: [laughs] No songs. [laughs]
Cece: Yeah. No songs.
Jess: No songs, she said.

Nick: "Pepperwood lay on the ground in a puddle of blood. Jessica Night broke through the barricades and ran to his side. 'Even though he doesn't have muscles, he seems incredibly strong,' Jessica thought, as she looked into his perfect, sexy face. Even now, even covered in the blood of the man they both knew as Schmith,
the two sat in silence in the hot, New Orleans night, waiting for the words that would never come." [audience whoops and cheers]
Nick: I'm gonna open up the floor to some questions. Uh, the young lady right here in the strange-looking vest. No offense.
Girl: When are Pepperwood and Jessica Night going to get together?
Nick: That is a great question. [audience muttering] I'll just cut to it, guys. Uh, Pepperwood and Jessica Night will never get together. Never. [low murmuring] I'm sorry. You guys, stop. It's just, look, these characters, they-they are based off real people. A-And the real people are just fundamentally different. They don't work together. It's just never gonna happen. You just got to forget about it.
Jess: Excuse me. [runs out]
Nick: Move on from it. And also, you know, Pepperwood, he blew it. Sometimes you don't get another chance, you know, to-to fix the mistake. It's just... look, adult relationships are really complicated. So, let's hear it for books! [silence] All right, wow, you guys are super intense.

Merle Streep: Hi. I'm Merle Streep.
Nick: I don't care.
Merle Streep: Okay. Um, I'm an editor and I publish children's books, so I wanted...
Nick: Oh, congratulations to you. What would you like me to do about that? Uh, I'm about to make a call, so... Nice to meet you, Merle Streep. Goofy name.
Merle Streep: I'll... I'll... okay. [walks away]
Nick: Okay.

Jess: [answers phone] Hey, Nick.
Nick: Hey, this is crazy, but were you just at my reading? You're not in L.A., are you?
Jess: No, I'm in Portland with my dad.
Nick: That's what I thought.
Jess: How'd the reading go?
Nick: Couldn't have gone better. I felt weirdly comfortable up there.
Jess: I'm so proud of you.
Nick: Thanks. Reagan and I broke up.
Jess: I got to go. Oh, my dad just sprained his thumb trying to get up off a couch. I'll talk to you later, Nick.

Merle Streep: Sorry. So, is now a good time to talk to you? Because I'd like to talk to you about publishing your book.
Nick: You'd like to talk to me about what?
Merle Streep: Publishing your book.
Nick: What are you, some kind of a-a publisher?
Merle Streep: Yeah, that's what my card... I was trying to give you my card, but you...
Nick: You want to publish my book?
Merle Streep: Yeah.
Nick: Yeah, I want you to publish my book.
Merle Streep: Is this how you normally are?
Nick: No.