Jess: Schmidt, listen up and listen good. You are not to talk to Cece, you are not to look at Cece, and you are not to have eye conversations with her. Or I will bust you. Hard. [to Nick] And later, I'm gonna bust you hard.
Nick: Yeah, you are. Good night, nurse. I've been naughty. Sorry, I didn't know... You guys were supposed... not supposed to hear that, so...

Schmidt: Bros ever before the ho.
Nick: Anybody have a jar?
Schmidt: I'm sorry, okay? But we have to sabotage this wedding. Winston?
Winston: No, guys, look, you always bring me into these situations, and I get in over my head because I love pranks. I really do. I mean, you know that.
Nick: Yeah.
Winston: But look, it's time for me to just face the facts that I'm no good at them. You know, I'm 31 now, and it's time for me to cut the nonsense.
Schmidt: You're 100% right, man, but just, I don't know... what about today, just today... you give me full-on crazy?
Winston: Yeah!

Nick: You listen here! Hey, hey, hey.
Schmidt: What?
Nick: Nobody's doing anything!
Winston: What?
Nick: Jess asked us not to, so we are going to enjoy Cece's wedding like adults. So good night, nurse. Sorry for saying that. I am all... I'm all turned around.

Nick: I want you to call it off.
Schmidt: What?
Nick: Whatever you're planning on doing, don't do it. This wedding means a lot to Jess.
Schmidt: What are you doing? What has happened to you? You changed your suit, you're carrying her purse.
Nick: Yeah, I am.
Schmidt: You're wearing deodorant under both arms...
Nick: Both arms, yeah.
Schmidt: Why are you trying so hard, man? Either Jess wants the real you or... or she don't. The real Nick would help me sabo this wedding.
Nick: Is "sabo" short for sabotage, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Why would you...? I mean, why would you even say that?
Nick: I knew it was. I was being mean. I was bullying you to get dominance in this moment.
Schmidt: You know it... of course you know... you know it is.
Nick: I want you to call it off.
Schmidt: You know it's... You know "sabo" is short for sabot... sabotage.
Nick: I know... I know... Hey, skin it and call it off.
Schmidt: You got it, man.

Jess: Shivrang, hold on!
Shivrang: Ow, my testicles!
Jess: Don't get on the highway!

Jess: Are you enjoying the wedding festivities, Schmidt?
Schmidt: What a spunky horse.
Jess: I know you're responsible for the horse thing.
Schmidt: Was I?
Jess: Yes.
Schmidt: Was I?
Jess: Yes.
Schmidt: Was...?
Jess: Yes!
[a silence falls over the room as the festivities get under way]
Schmidt: Was...?
Jess: Yes.
Schmidt: Was I?
Jess: Yes.
Schmidt: Was I?
Jess: Schmidt.

Jess: Nick?
Nick: Winston must have taken that out of my car.
Jess: How gullible do you think I am? You're fist-pumping right now.
Nick: No, I'm not fist-pumping.
Jess: Yes, you are.
Nick: Aah! It's so freaking catchy.

Jess: Schmidt... What did you do?
Schmidt: It was Winston's idea.
Jess: Oh, my God.
Schmidt: I'm really sorry, okay? I didn't want anybody to get hurt, but it's too late now. It's bigger than all of us.
Jess: Tell me everything. Or, so help me God, I will mess up your hair. Your precious hair.

Schmidt: Winston's in the... [mumbles]
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Winston's in... [mumbles]
Jess: What? Say it louder. Say it louder.
Schmidt: Winston is in the air ducts with a badger.
Jess: What?!
Schmidt: Nick's there, too.

Jess: What did you do? What did you do? What did you do?
Schmidt: I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this, okay? It's just, when Nick got involved, it became too big.
Jess: What? What do you mean, "when Nick got involved"? He wasn't always involved?
Schmidt: No. He said no. He said, "Jess means too much to me," or some crapola like that. What are you doing?
Jess: Calling Nick.
Schmidt: Jess, he's in the ducts! The ducts!
Jess: [to a passerby] Beautiful ceremony.
Schmidt: Happy day. [to Jess] The ducts!
Jess: I know where he is, Schmidt.