Jess: It's okay. [to Schmidt] Who are you working with?
Schmidt: [sings] Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from... Cotton-Eyed... Joe.

Jess: What... What did you... Of course! Of course you were scheming with Schmidt.
Nick: Jess, I didn't do anything.
Jess: You think that Schmidt and Winston would be smart enough to duct-tape the sound board? That's brilliant! Plus, we both know that this is your CD.
[flashback to Nick rocking out in his car with Jess in the passenger seat:]
CD Player: Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eyed Joe?
Jess: Why did you need me for this?

Winston: Ah, Nick. You've never gone along with one of my pranks before. This is exciting.
Nick: I never noticed, but you kind of have a girl butt. Is that weird to say?
Winston: This priest is never gonna know what hit him.
Nick: Wait, that is the plan? You're gonna drop a badger on a priest?
Winston: Oh! He's mad.
Nick: That can't be the plan, man!

Cece: Jess, you don't have to fix this.
Jess: Fix what? This is a perfect day.
Cece: I'm sorry, everyone, but I can't do this. And it's not because of the horse. Or the badger. Or "Cotton-Eyed Joe." This isn't what I want. What I want is to be with someone else. Shivrang, I feel terrible. I'm sorry.
Shivrang: No... No, Cece, it is okay. In fact, it's more than okay. I don't know why I didn't tell you the truth ages ago, but... but I want to be with someone else, too.
Cece: Really?
Shivrang: Yes. I have tried to forget you, Elaine - really, I have - but I just can't.
Winston: Who the hell is Elaine?
Shivrang: And I don't care what my family says. I want to marry you in a Presbyterian church.
Elaine: Oh, Shivvy. I've loved you since the first grade. And I'm so lonely without you. I just lay awake at night, and I just write about you in my journal, and I paint pictures of you on my easel.
Shivrang: I want our children to be photographers and... and backpack across Europe.
Elaine: Will you take me away from this madness? And you are not too short for me. I don't care what your mother says.
Shivrang: Oh, Elaine! Come!
Elaine: Let's go to Vegas and elope!
Cece: [to Jess] I feel slightly rejected.
Jess: Well... you were slightly rejected.

Elizabeth: It was Schmidt that you were talking about, right?
Cece: It was. I'm-I'm sorry, Elizabeth. Don't be sorry. It's not your problem. It's Schmidt's.
Schmidt: Why is it... Why is it my problem?
Elizabeth: Who's it gonna be? Me or her?
Cece: No, she's right. You have to choose.
Schmidt: We're gonna do this now? But can... can we sleep on it, maybe? Maybe take the night? I've got... I just got this brand-new Coldplay bootleg. Live from Rotterdam. What if we just make some pasta and really listen to it?
Elizabeth: Are you in love with her or are you in love with me?
Cece: You have to decide.
[Schmidt runs away]

Jess: You changed.
Nick: Check it out. Schmidt gave me his worst suit. He said, if I could get it over my thighs, he didn't want it. Miami Vice called, and this time, I answered.

Jess: I hope you're not doing all this 'cause of what my dad said. I don't think you're an unemployable alcoholic bummer.
Nick: What?
Jess: No, I don't think you're a child.
Nick: Whoa, when did he say that?
Jess: Hmm? What?
Nick: Bob said that about me?
Jess: Anyway, the point is... I don't think you're any of those things.

Winston: Oh, my goodness. That is Bucky the Badger, Wisconsin's mascot. Yeah, I got a sweatshirt with his face on it, and he's wearing a sweatshirt with his face on it. Bucky cool. Bucky!
Nick: [to Schmidt] He's got a super weird thing with badgers. Is that a real badger?

Elizabeth: Hey, the ceremony lasts for three hours, so you better go pee now. You know, your weak bladder.
Schmidt: You remembered.
Elizabeth: Of course I did.
Schmidt: Now I have to pee. Every time you say "pee," I have to pee. Thank you for coming. [they kiss]
Elizabeth: Go pee.
Schmidt: I'm gonna.
Elizabeth: Okay.

Jess: Schmidt, what were you doing back there?
Schmidt: Cece's backing out of the wedding.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: It's true. She told me.
Nick: With her eyes.
Jess: Oh, my God. I thought you were talking about something real. Schmidt. The wedding's happening, let her go.