Jess: Wait, wait, no. Cece, I need your help. I need your help. We have to get Nick home for Secret Santa.
Cece: Ooh, you have him.
Jess: Yes, I got Nick. I got Nick. Reagan's flying out from Seattle.
Cece: Oh...
Jess: And we're double-teaming him.
Cece: Okay, listen to me very carefully, okay? You mean "tag-teaming." This is the exact same thing that happened when you handed that checkout guy coupons, and said that we'd been scissoring all day.
Jess: Oh. He helped us with our bags. He was such a gentleman.
Cece: No, he was not.

Nick: Oh, I got to get back to work. I told the entire staff they can have three days off 'cause Christmas is usually dead at the bar. So, it's just gonna be me and the receipts.
Schmidt: You haven't done those yet? Nick, our accountant needs them today.
Nick: I know. It's the do date, So, I'm going to do them today.
Schmidt: D-U-E, Nicholas.
Nick: D-O-I-N-G-I-N-G. Doing. The doing date. And if you think about it, D-O-I-N-G shouldn't be doing. It should be freaking "doyng." [puts on sunglasses]
Winston: [laughing] Nick, you got 'em?!
Cece: You look like you should be paying child support in Florida.

Jess: [on the phone] So fly down for one night. What could be more romantic or magical? I will orchestrate the whole surprise. Lighting, blocking, costumes...
Reagan: Okay, you know what? I... I'm in.
Jess: You are? I thought I was gonna have to give you the hard sell.
Reagan: That's part of the reason why I'm in. But... also, I haven't seen Nick in a couple weeks, and I really miss his nonsense. And that ass... am I right?

Schmidt: This will be the only gift that Cece is getting this Christmas, so whoever has her, please step it up.
Cece: Right, and the same goes for my man. Just because he doesn't believe in the Lord, doesn't mean he can't have cake at the birthday party. So, whoever has him better bring it... because I know I got the perfect gift for...
Jess: Up-bup-bup-bup! Secret Santa.

Jess: Merry Christmas Eve Eve, everybody! Secret Santa starts tonight at 6:00 P.M., AKA 7:00 P.M. eve. Snacks will be potluck.
Winston: I call baba ghanoush.
Jess: It brings back such good memories. My dad waking me up with hot cocoa, my dog Frank dressed up as Rudolph, looking out the window, watching for snow, dancing around the Christmas tree to the sweet sounds of Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)."
Nick: Darlene what now?
Jess: [sings] The snow's coming down
Winston: Love me some Darlene.
Jess: [sings] I'm watching it fall
Schmidt: What am I watching now?
Jess: Two kilos of uncut joy.

Jess: I get Nick the perfect gift, and then he goes and buys it for himself. What am I supposed to get him now?
Robby: You could get Nick some tap shoes, right? They do make walking fun.
Jess: [scoffs] I told you that about tap shoes, you tree. Now think, Jessica. You're the greatest
gift-giver of all time. [gasps] I've got it.
Robby: Whatever it is, I got it covered.
Jess: Oh, no, Robby. What I'm giving him cannot be wrapped.
Robby: Is it a memory?
Jess: No.
Robby: Ah. A house?
Jess: No.

Jess: Weirdly, this is not the first time Nick has failed to mention elves in a crisis situation.

Cece: This is way worse than you said. I'm out of here... it's my day off, and... you know what, actually, I don't need more than that.

Nick: Hey, what are you two doing here?
Jess: What are all these elves doing here?
Nick: They just got off a shift at the mall. You know, I've been thinking, since they're all regular size, my theory is it's a mall for giants.

Schmidt: A beanbag chair, Winston?
Winston: Yeah.
Schmidt: You thought that would be a... a suitable gift for my bride?
Winston: You wouldn't get it. I mean, it's a reference to a classic Winston-Cece mess-around.
[flashback to Winston drawing a circle while playing Pictionary with Cece:]
Cece: Beanbag chair!
[present:]
Schmidt: Never in my life have I heard of a game of one-on-one Pictionary.
Winston: We had a moment.