Schmidt: Unmoved. Had you drawn a picture poo-poo, would that have been a good gift for my Cece?
Winston: [laughing] It would have been hilarious. Look, Schmidt, I get it that you are closer to her than I am.
Schmidt: Uh-huh.
Winston: However, I got my own thing going on with her. And I feel like you don't respect that.
Schmidt: Closer to her?
Winston: You are.
Schmidt: That's a good way to describe our relationship, comparatively to yours.
Winston: Yeah. Yeah.
Schmidt: Yes, considering we are man and wife.

Schmidt: Winston, this is a very cozy, [sighs] inoffensive blanket. Get it.
Winston: Has no relevance towards our relationship. Why would I do that?
Schmidt: Get the blanket.
Winston: No.
Schmidt: Winston, please. Just get the blanket and let's go.
Winston: Well, since you asked nicely, no.
Schmidt: Just get the blanket.
Winston: No. I don't want the damn blanket.

Winston: Well, here, you know what? Have this one. Oh, my God, a hamster?!
Schmidt: You're a pet guy, man.
Winston: I am. I am. But... Jess, you... you should have him.
Jess: No. I-I got the best gift of all. Watching you guys give each other gifts that show you care.
Winston: Well, you can't not have a gift. Besides, Ferguson's gonna eat him, anyway.
Jess: Oh. Well, if... if Ferguson will eat him, then I... I'll take him. Thanks, Winston.
Winston: Of course.
Jess: Great Secret Santa, everyone. You want to go to bed, little guy? You want to see your new room?

Jess: If you don't get off that wheel right now, there's gonna be hell to pay. Now! Whoa. Did you understand me?

Reagan: How much longer do I have to do this? I'm almost out of litter.
Nick: It's shredded receipts.
Jess: [laughs] This is the best gift. Thank you.