Winston: Hey. Cece, Jess needs some help with some lady stuff. Of course.
Cece: You know how we do. [chuckles]
Schmidt: Whoof...
Cece: Gonna...
Schmidt: Must be a rough one.

Sergeant Dorado: You know what, I'm gonna have a look around.
Schmidt: What a great i... You know what, you should start with Nick and I's room. We share it.
Nick: Hey, don't mind the condoms. We've been banging like rabbits. Not each other.

Jess: I might have ruined Winston's chances of being a cop.
Cece: Well, we can cry about that later. We are gonna take the drugs now and we're gonna go flush 'em, all right? What are you doing? Come on. Help me. Pick up the drugs, Jess.
Jess: I think that the meth entered my bloodstream through my boob skin.
Cece: That is not a thing. That's not how drugs work.
Jess: I'm the one on meth! Don't tell me how drugs work!

Sergeant Dorado: Could you open this trunk?
Winston: Oh, I'll do more than open it. I don't know why I said that. I'm gonna open the trunk.
Nick: [whispers] I think I'm having a heart attack.
Schmidt: What are you... Oh, my God. You're a mess. Here. Cover up. Cover...
Nick: No, I'm not putting that... I'm not putting on your kimono. It legitimizes you owning it.
Schmidt: Just put it on. Put it on. Okay.
Nick: I'm wearing a kimono.
Sergeant Dorado: I see that. Why?
Schmidt: Why? Why is he still wearing pants? That's the real question.

Sergeant Dorado: What's all that clanging?
Nick: Uh, just a bunch of clanging.
Winston: Well, there's feminine issues...
Schmidt: It's probably the ladies playing with their jewelry.
Nick: Their brooches.
Schmidt: You know how... Their brooches. Of course. Nick makes a very good point. I'm gonna go check on that right now, actually. Uh, Winston, why don't you show the good sergeant Jess' room?
Jess: What? What a great idea.
Nick: Oh, I've had intercourse in there. You'll be excited to...

Cece: It's gonna be okay.
Schmidt: Hey, what happened to the "turlet"?
Jess: Schmidt, you're here. So we're in a little bit of a thing right now, but you're our best cleaner. We might be out of towels, but you'll figure out something. Right? It's gonna be fun.
Schmidt: Jess, are you crying right now?
Jess: I don't know. I hadn't noticed. Um... [sniffles] I might be on drugs.
Cece: You gonna help mop or are you just gonna try to kiss me again?
Schmidt: Oh, please. You kissed me back. Your... I felt your lips surrender. And who's this Paul anyway? Paul.
What, does he work in a pizzeria?
Cece: Yes, Schmidt, I went on a date with a guy named Paul. You just need to get over it.
Schmidt: Paul. Paul. Nice name, dude.
Cece: Why is your shirt off?
Schmidt: I've seen New Jack City, okay? They all take their shirts off in the crack cocaine lab!

Jess: Ah, it won't go down! Hats off to the hillbilly that made this meth.
Winston: Meth? What meth?
Jess: This meth. It's... legal meth. It's... medical meth. For my... cramps.

Nick: [sings] I took my love and I took it down I drove around and I hit a pound And I saw all the puppies with their Eyes so blind...

Jess: It's fine, Winston. We can fix this. Just help me mule this crank. I'll prepare, you mule. I can't mule crank. I don't have the system. It's the perfect plan. I don't think it is.

Nick: I once changed a sign that said "Happy Jewish New Year" to "Happy Newish Jew Year." Is that a hate crime?
Sergeant Dorado: Stop talking, stop sweating. What is wrong with you people?! Enough!