Winston: Sarge, I have something I need to tell you.
Jess: Wait! Sergeant! My name is Jessica Day, and this is my meth.
Sergeant Dorado: What?!
Jess, No. I won't accept that. So... The bathroom is covered in meth. Meth that belongs to me. And it may have intoxicated me through the skin on my breasts. But I assure you, no one here had any prior knowledge of any of this. Especially Winston. And I don't want him to go down for my mistake. You'd be lucky to have him as a cop. Take me downtown to the all-lady fur factory. [lays down] Okay, cuff me. Somebody bring me handcuffs. I'm guilty. Is she cuffing me? I can't see what's going on up there.
Nick: Do you feel anything?
Jess: Does meth make you feel, like, normal, but, like... like your face feels, like, scratchy? Oh, no, that's just the carpet on my face.

Nick: This might not be the right moment but... for what it's worth, I did it. I kept a secret.
Schmidt: Well, congratulations, Nick. You have the willpower of a six-year-old.
Nick: Oh, thank you.

Schmidt: I'm sorry about the whole kissing thing.
Cece: Oh, you don't have to apologize. I did... kiss you back a little.
Schmidt: So, should we tell Paul together?
Cece: Oh.
Schmidt: Well, what do you think he's doing right now? Do you think he's explaining to the air-brusher that that really is his name? Paul? And that he wants that painted across the back of his denim jacket?
Cece: It's a normal name.

Jess: [whispering] Hey, Nick? When I'm in prison, write, dance, sing... live your life. And if you come and visit me in jail, please don't wear that robe.
Nick: It's a kimono.

Sergeant Dorado: Well, this is a first. These are aquarium rocks.
Jess: So, that's the street name for...
Sergeant Dorado: No. These are actual aquarium rocks. You were trying to flush rocks down your toilet.
Winston: Oh, what?!
Jess: Oh.
Nick: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Jess: That's great!
Schmidt: Yes! Awesome! So we're not going to prison?
Jess: So, did Winston pass the background check?
Sergeant Dorado: Of course. He's one of our best cadets. His test scores are high, he's passionate, hardworking. He's gonna make one hell of a cop. But he won't work in narcotics.

Sergeant Dorado: Excuse me. Please consider moving. I have no idea why you live with these people. What kind of person would urinate on an electrical socket?
Nick: I... I thought it would make lightning.
Winston: I told you that wouldn't work, Nick.

Duquan: It's Jose, so...
Coach: Yeah, I like Duquan, though.
Duquan: Yeah, but my name's Jose.
Coach: Like outlet malls?
Duquan: I love outlet malls.
Coach: Ah, me, too, man.
Duquan: Yeah.
Coach: Yeah. That's awesome.
Duquan: On the weekend, though? Mm.
Coach: Yeah, but I mean, I have a strategy, you know. Like, I start out with a smoothie, and then do my leg stores first. Then, I...
Duquan: Yeah. I do the same, but I end it with pretzel.
Coach: Pretzel. I...
Duquan: Shut up.
Coach: Cinnamon pretzel?
Duquan: Oh, my God.
Coach: Dude, don't, don't, don't.
Duquan: No, you don't. No, you don't. You want to play a tickle game?