Jess: Oh, I know it's in here somewhere... Oh, oh, ooh. These are my "bad decision" hats. Bad decision, right?
Schmidt: How do you not know where a bag of meth is?
Coach: Find it and get rid of it. Find it, get rid of it.
Nick: Jess, why do you have meth in your closet?
Jess: Do you remember that day when I was trying to convince you guys to come with me to that waffle restaurant in the Antelope Valley that I found? And you were like, "That's way too far to go for waffles." Turns out you were right. How good can a waffle really be? That's the question I answered that...
Nick: Tell us the story faster.
Coach: Your waffle story sucks.
Schmidt: Where is the bag of crystal methamphetamine, you dummy?
Jess: Okay, fine. Do you see that footstool? I bought it at a garage sale. Turns out the top opens up and when I opened up the top, I found... Here it is... This.
Coach: Holy frickin' what?

Jess: All right. Okay, Winston cannot find out about this. Because if he doesn't know, he can't get in trouble, and he's probably already failing out of the academy as it is.
Coach: Also, why are you keeping this in your closet?
Jess: What am I supposed to do, notify the authorities? I'm sorry, Officer, I found this bag of meth in a footstool
I bought at a garage sale. Uh, no. My closet is safe. The only person who goes in there is me when I'm naked and/or sad.

Winston: Hey. Much better, right? I found it on the lawn. [chuckles] And that's the whole story. So, you guys ready? She's on her way.
Jess: Why don't you go wait for her downstairs? Don't make her buzz up like a shawarma boy.
Winston: Good idea, good idea. This way, I get to tell her my sidewalk joke. You remember the sidewalk joke, right? There's a man on the s... How's it...? There's a man on the... Oh, you know, okay... [runs off]

Jess: I'm gonna call Cece. She knows about this stuff. She lived one summer in Milan with a guy named Crystal Randy.
Schmidt: Ask her about the date.
Jess: [on the phone] Hey, Cece, quick question. How does one get rid of a bag of meth? Call me back.
Schmidt: Ask her if Paul is taller than me.
Jess: Stop it.
Schmidt: Did she surrender her virtue?

Coach: Hey. Throw it in the trash.
Nick: I can't see it. I can't see where it goes, 'cause then when she comes in here, I'll just yell "trash!" I'll yell "trash!"
Jess: Cover your ears and sing "Landslide."
Schmidt: Let's call Cece again.
Nick: [sings] Took my love and I took it down

Winston: You know, this building used to be a biscuit factory. And apparently, the mice have not been told it's gone residential.
Sergeant Dorado: Was that a joke? I hate jokes.

Winston: Fun Saturday?
Sergeant Dorado: No. My bird died.
Winston: Well, my mom used to say when a bird dies, he gets another set of wings in heaven, so...
Schmidt: Well, that bird was going straight to hell.

Sergeant Dorado: I will ask you questions. You will ask me no questions. In pursuit of that, I will offer up three personal facts: I was born in St. Louis, I have three brothers, two of whom were killed in separate plane crashes, and... I like music. Good? Good. Now, let's get started--
Nick: My name is Nick.
Sergeant Dorado: Nicholas Miller?
Nick: I-I don't... I don't know.
Schmidt: Hah! He's just messing around with you. He's our resident clown here.
Sergeant Dorado: Let's keep this simple. I need to be home in time to feed my bird. Oh, God.
Coach: [light clattering] Uh, green grape? Would you like...?
Sergeant Dorado: No, thanks. I already had my grapes.

Cece: Jess! I got your message. Where's the freaking me... [Schmidt stands up and kisses Cece]
Schmidt: Play along, or Jess goes to jail.
Cece: What are you doing?
Schmidt: Hey. Look, it's my girlfriend Cece.
Coach: What's up, Cece?
Nick: Ah, it's his girlfriend Cece.
Winston: Girlfriend? Oh, my goodness, you guys are back together?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Cece: No, uh...
Winston: Like I always say, you can't put peanut butter and jelly on the same shelf and expect 'em not to mix. 'Cause somebody got to eat a sandwich.
Schmidt: It's exciting.
Cece: Yeah, no.

Winston: Hey, let me ask you s... um... Breasts.
Jess: It's my cycle.
Winston: Already? Damn, girl. My calendar is way off on you. You must be, what, like, ten days early?
Jess: Aw, Winston. Someday you're gonna make some lucky girl really uncomfortable. Can you go get Cece
and tell her to meet me in the bathroom?
Winston: Sure. And, girl, uh, you ain't got a cycle, you got a roller coaster. [chuckles]
Jess: Don't I know it, girl?