Cece: Oh, scoot! You got me a stripper?! So, uh, you want me to sign my package, or...
Jess: Wait, I think he's just a...
USPS Guy: A man... trying to do my job for the U.S. Postal Service, not a stripper. Yes, I dance. Yes, I'm sexy... but I don't do it professionally. Now, could you please just sign here?
Cece: Your calves look like a snake swallowed a bag of ropes. You know that, right?
Jess: I'm sorry for my friend objectifying you, but in her defense, you are fine as hell.
Cece: Fine as hell!
Jess: I know you're not a stripper, but is there any way you could just take your short pants off?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
USPS Guy: Have a nice day.

Cece: It's a bread maker? From... oh, from Schmidt's mom. "Cece, this bread maker couldn't be easier to use. It has one button. Even you can do it with a few tries. Ha, ha, Louise."
Jess: What does that mean?! Oh, no.
Cece: She...
Jess: Oh, no!
Cece: I mean, is she trying to say that I can't even push one button? She doesn't think that I can take care of her precious, little boy. She doesn't like that Schmidt does all the cooking...

Cece: You know what we need to do to this thing?!
Jess: Bake bread in it! [Cece kicks the bread maker over] Wait, wait, wait!
Cece: What, what?!
Jess: You'll do a lot more damage with this. [hands over stick]
Cece: This is why I love you.
Jess: Homemade bread's for Europeans!
Cece: That's right.
Jess: Yeah. [chants] U.S.A.!
Both: U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Jess: Oh, my God, I just realized some day I'm gonna have to speak at my mother's funeral.
Cece: Wow.
Both: U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Jess: Aly! What are you doing here?
Aly: Seriously? We just had this conversation outside the mall.
[flashback:]
Aly: Hey.
Jess: Aly! What are you doing here?
[present:]
Aly: You don't... remember that?
Jess: No, no, I do, I do.
Aly: You don't, do you?
Jess: I don't. [laughs] I don't.
Cece: I do.
Jess: Really?
Cece: No.
Aly: Okay.

Jess: It's Cece's bachelorette party.
Aly: Yeah...
[flashback:]
Jess: It's Cece's bachelorette party.
[present:]
Jess: Oh, yeah.
Aly: You do remember it?
Jess: No. [laughs]
Aly: Don't remember it?
Jess: Mm-mm.

Lady Employee: Excuse me, are you actually gonna buy something?
Jess: Yeah, we need to buy another bread maker, 'cause you claim we "destroyed" this one "with a stick."
Lady Employee: I never said stick and we're out of stock.
Jess: Well, maybe that's what you said. You destroyed this thing with the stock.
Lady Employee: Is that what you did? You beat this with a stick?
Jess: No, I didn't, I said you said... you said stick.
Lady Employee: But I didn't say stick.
Jess: I never said stick. I don't even have a stick. I live downtown.

Lady Employee: Well, we're-we're out of stock, so...
Cece: But you-you have one right there. [Jess gasps]
Lady Employee: Oh... that's the floor model. Can't sell the floor model.
Jess: Yes, you... it's right there.
Cece: It's right there.
Lady Employee: We need it to sell other bread makers.
Cece: You just said you don't have other bread makers.
Lady Employee: I don't make the rules.
Cece: Who makes the rules?
Lady Employee: Derek.
Cece: [inhaling]
Jess: Definitely too high to talk to Derek.
Cece: No, I cannot deal with Derek right now.

Aly: I wish I had someone in my life who cared about me the way you guys care about each other.
Jess: [gasps]
Cece: [whispering] Oh, don't.
Jess: [whispering] You do.
Aly: I just... I've been a cop for five years and...
Jess: [quietly] You do.
Cece: [quietly] Jessica!
Aly: I just wanted to celebrate it, but then Tripp had to leave to meet an owl for sushi. An owl he sent a basket of mice to at Christmas, who I'm pretty sure has a nicer house than me.
Jess: [gasps] Let me tell her... please! I'll blame it on being stoned.

Mall Cop: Stoned? You're stoned? That makes this a drug case.
Aly: Okay, yeah, you have no idea what you're talking about.
Jess: Wait, no, I made a mistake.
Mall Cop: You better get comfortable, you're gonna be here for a long time, lady! A long time!
Cece: Oh, you little... power trip... trash guard! You know what? This is over! The only way you are gonna get to her is if you go through me, and you are not getting through me.
Jess: [in slow motion] Mama bear.

Cece: Mama bear!
Jess: That was freaking awesome! Aly, Winston has a crush on you!
Aly: What? Bishop has a crush on me?!
Jess: Run!