Aly: What are you doing? This isn't how you handcuff people.
Mall Cop: It's mall jail. I only have two handcuffs.
Aly: I'm an actual cop.
Mall Cop: [laughing] Yeah, right. I'm a cop!
Jess: For the love of mack daddy, why can't you be cool?
Mall Cop: Shut it! You're in my house now.
Aly: Calm down, sir, your house is clearly a lost and found.
Jess: And it's all just baby shoes... and babies don't even need shoes. Why not put that money towards something worthwhile like a cute hat or a raincoat? [laughing] A baby in a raincoat. It's like... just like a... a little baby meteorologist.

Aly: Okay, how do we get out of here? How, how? Before the cops come.
Jess: Oh! Yes, okay, guys, here's how we get out of here. We dress up in the clothes from the lost and found, and we start crying, and then he comes back in and he's like, "Where are the girls?" This is just babies in here."
Aly: You're incredibly high.
Jess: No.
Aly: Yeah.
Jess: No.
Aly: Mm-hmm.
Jess: No. No.
Aly: Yeah.
Jess: Who?
Cece: You. You, babe.
Jess: How did you know?
Aly: Oh, I knew from the first second I saw you. Like, literally the first second.

Aly: Okay, ideas, you, go.
Cece: Oh, no, no, no, I am not giving you any ideas because it was my idea that got us into this mess in the first place. First... I bashed Schmidt's $1,200 bread maker.
Aly: $1,200?
Cece: Yeah.
Aly: For a bread maker?
Cece: I know.
Jess: That's a lot of dough. I'm trying to wink. Am I winking?

Cece: Then I got my best friend here to commit a crime, and now you might have... train duty?
Aly: It's like marathon duty but without the hot guys pooping their pants.
Cece: What does that say about me if I can't even take care of a bread maker? What if Louise was right? What if I can't take care of Schmidt?
Jess: How can you say you don't take care of people? You've been taking care of me my entire life. You're fierce and you are strong, and you would stand up for anyone that you love. You're like a big, scary mama bear.

Men: [sing] Alison I know this world
Winston: Aly, um, look, I really like you...
Men: [sing] Is killing
Winston: .. and, um... You, oh look, I know you just broke up with your boyfriend...
Men: [sing] Alison
Winston: .. but... whenever you're ready, I'd like to take you on a date. A real date, you know, with food, and music...
Aly: Bishop, I didn't...
Men: [sing] My aim
Aly: I didn't break up with him.
Men: [sing] Oh, you've got a husband now.
Aly: We didn't break up.
Winston: I'm sorry, uh... Jess said...
Aly: There was a miscommunication.

Robby: I can't take it anymore. I just have to say something. Cece, I'm still in love with you, all right? Don't marry Schmidt. That's a big mistake, all right? You run away with me...
Nick: Not now, Robby.
Schmidt: Honestly, stop.
Cece: Now's not the time, Robby.
Robby: Okay, it makes sense, I...

Aly: Guys, quiet, please, I just... I need to talk to Bishop for a second. I'm so sorry about this. That song was nice. Um... Aly is actually not short for Alison but... it was really good effort.
Winston: Okay, cool, yeah, that's... [exhales] I'm-I'm good. I'm good, um... Tripp, you know, he's a very lucky guy, very lucky guy, but I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I'm just gonna go to my room and try to shove my face through a heating grate. [chuckles] Yeah, Jess, I will deal with you in the morning.
Jess: You know what my Grammy always said, "Why put off for tomorrow-day, what you could say, nnn... today-day?"
Winston: Yeah. Oh, Aly, um... Happy Copiversary. You've been a cop five years today, and I know how much that means to you, so... congratulations, I am very proud of you.
Aly: Oh, my... Wait, Winston.
Winston: Uh, something told me not to go with copiversary. My first choice, though, was Police Navidad.
Aly: No, I just... You remembered.
Winston: [chuckles] Well, of course, I remembered. I mean, I'm your partner, why wouldn't I re... I mean, I... [Aly kisses Winston] Thank you.

Jess: [sings] Return of high Jess Here I am Return of high Jess Once again Return of the mack

Jess: Hey.
Cece: Hmm?
Jess: Remember Coach?
Cece: [laughing] Oh, yeah.
Jess: Where is he?

Cece: Okay, this stuff is really strong. Where did you get it?
Jess: I know people... through you.
[flashback:]
Jess: So, it's just gonna be me and Cece, uh, but I want to, you know, throw a little... gasoline on the fire, if you know what I mean.
Nadia: I have Russian nesting doll. Uh-oh. It's grenade.
Jess: Just looking for a little weed, Nadia. And what the heck, throw in that bag of kettle corn, too.