Aly: Bishop has a crush on me? Bishop?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Aly: No, I can't date my partner.
Jess: Why not? He's the best guy! And you broke up with what's-his-name.
Aly: What? No, I didn't.
Jess: Hmm?
Aly: No, Tripp and I are just... we're in a fight.
Jess: Ah. Interesting information. I... texted Winston and told him you were single.
Aly: What?
Jess: Oh... it's fine. They're in Las Vegas. They're... stuffing coins into the underpanties of women.

Jess: Oh, my God!
Cece: What happened to you?
Nick: We can't talk about it right now. We're here to help Winston with...
Cece: [to Schmidt] Who did that to you? Where are they? I will kill them.
Schmidt: Oh, uh... truth be told, it was a child.

Jess: It wasn't really me. It was high Jess.
Nick: I missed high Jess?! Now I have to wait another ten years?

Nadia: Who gets first tattoo?
Jess: No, thank you.
Nick: I'll take a shamrock on my knuckle. [screams]