Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, as long as you're here...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, sure. Okay, no problem. Empty bottles. He took the pills, but not the bottles? There's a drug rehab center downstairs.
Hospital Administrator: We get addicts and junkies in here all the time. Security's a nightmare, but we're a hospital. We have to keep the doors open.
Adrian Monk: Why didn't he just take the bottles? He wanted us to find these. He wanted us to think junkie. Oh, yeah, see there? He was wearing slippers, rounded and smooth.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A patient. Not a junkie, a patient. What do you got?
Adrian Monk: There's powder.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Smells like talcum powder.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, let's meet our suspect. Hank Johansen. He's getting a colectomy on Wednesday morning. I think you can secure your weapon, Lieutenant. That's a perfect match. Get the tech guys down here. We've found our murder weapon.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you think? Is he the guy?
Adrian Monk: Uh, stranger things have happened. Although, I can't think of one offhand.

Hank Johansen: What the hell are you doing?! Are you trying to kiss me?
Adrian Monk: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Johansen, hi. I'm Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I'm a homicide detective. This is Lieutenant Disher.
Hank Johansen: Who's your lady friend?
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is Adrian Monk. He's a special consultant.
Hank Johansen: What happened to your nose? You get shot?
Adrian Monk: Shot? No, no. But it is bleeding pretty badly.
Hank Johansen: I caught a bullet in my nose in Korea. It still hurts like a son of a bitch, but you don't hear me crying about it.
Adrian Monk: I'm not crying.
Hank Johansen: But you want to, don't you? Yeah, he wants to cry. Yeah. I'm gonna call you Soft Serve. Like the ice cream. Soft and squishy.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Johansen, there was a homicide last night on the fifth floor. We're investigating it.
Hank Johansen: Good for you.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, a man was beaten to death with that oxygen tank. Your oxygen tank.
Hank Johansen: What the hell are you talking about?!
Lieutenant Disher: Where were you last night between the hours of 1:00 and 3:00 a.m.? [Johansen signals for Disher to come closer] Where do you think I was?! What is this, your first day with a new brain?
Lieutenant Disher: No.
Hank Johansen: I was here! Hooked up to this damn machine. Beep, beep, beep. You see Dr. Scott, you tell him I want this thing unhooked. It's driving me mental.
Adrian Monk: Who-- Who's Dr. Scott?
Hank Johansen: Dr. Davis Scott is taking out half my colon on Wednesday. And he's the second-best surgeon in California. And that's not my opinion. That's a fact. Soft Serve, I know my rights. And you people can't just waltz in here and... [falls asleep]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Soft Serve, come here.
Lieutenant Disher: Crime Scene's on their way, and the floor is secure.

Adrian Monk: Do you think Mr. Johansen could lift an oxygen tank? It must weigh about 40 pounds.
Nurse: You might want to ask his primary physician, Dr. Scott.
Adrian Monk: And where is he?
Nurse: I know exactly where Dr. Scott is. Room 694. Down the hall, to the right. Follow the signs. He's been there all day.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All day?
Nurse: He's a patient in the cardio ward. He admitted himself last night.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, Dr. Scott, we could come back later, when you're feeling better.
Dr. Scott: No, I feel great. This is just a precaution. Last night I had a slight substernal chest pain. I checked myself in, had them run a couple of tests.
Lieutenant Disher: Is everything okay?
Dr. Scott: Never felt better. First good night's sleep I've had since med school.
Cardiologist: You got lucky, Davis. You gotta tap the brakes.
Dr. Scott: Thank you, Mother. Do you seriously think Hank Johansen was involved with what happened last night?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, we're not sure.
Dr. Scott: I can't imagine how. He has progressive rheumatoid arthritis in both legs.
Lieutenant Disher: So you don't think he could lift a 40-pound oxygen tank?
Dr. Scott: Hank Johansen? He can't even put his own pants on. And besides, isn't he hooked up to one of these? I mean, you'd know if he left the room.
Cardiologist: I heard it was somebody from the clinic. A junkie.

Dr. Scott: Well, it's not my specialty, but as long as I'm here.
Cardiologist: You're a lucky man. Most people have to wait three months for this consultation.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Dr. Scott: Bleeding on and off?
Adrian Monk: On and on.
Dr. Scott: Does this hurt?
Adrian Monk: Yes! Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Dr. Scott: I haven't done anything yet.
Adrian Monk: It was going to hurt. I can tell.

Dr. Scott: Okay, I'm not going to touch you. Relax.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. I went to the emergency room.
Dr. Scott: Let me guess, they tried to cauterize it, and it didn't take.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. And there was this woman in the waiting room. She said that her stepbrother-
Dr. Scott: Had the exact same symptom.
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Dr. Scott: And now you've convinced yourself there's some kind of tumor.
Adrian Monk: You think it's a tumor? He said tumor. He said the word "tumor." You heard him, and I knew it. I knew it. I can feel it. It's right back here. It's like the size of a basketball. For the love of God, can I get a room?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, that's not what he meant.
Dr. Scott: Mr. Monk, you don't have a tumor. Relax. Take a breath. Now, these conditions often have psychological components. Are you under a lot of stress?
Adrian Monk: I wouldn't say that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I would.

Adrian Monk: [notices Dr. Scott's bruise in the reflection on a balloon] Did you hurt yourself?
Dr. Scott: Oh, racquetball. I missed the shot too. That's what really hurt.
Adrian Monk: Is that talcum powder?
Dr. Scott: Yes. And if you keep over-focusing, that nose is never gonna shut itself off. I have powder on my hands all the time. All doctors do. It's in the latex gloves. Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen. If you need me, give me a call.
Lieutenant Disher: Thank you.

Lieutenant Disher: You were right. There's a motive. Dr. Scott's being sued for malpractice. The late Dr. Whitcomb was scheduled to testify against him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Malpractice?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, a year ago. Scott lost a patient on the operating table. Dr. Whitcomb claims - or was about to claim - that he saw Scott popping pills before the operation.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Amphetamines. He would have lost his license.
Adrian Monk: He did it. Dr. Scott, he's the guy.
Lieutenant Disher: Was it the talcum powder?
Adrian Monk: The powder, plus the bruise on his leg. It was still swollen. Had to be less than a day old.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that could have been from racquetball.
Adrian Monk: No, I don't think so. I think he hit his leg on the coffee table in Dr. Whitcomb's office. I hit it too. Look. See? It's in the exact same spot.