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‘Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital’ Quotes   Page 2 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital

516. Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital

Aired March 2, 2007

After Monk goes to the hospital with a nose bleed, he seeks a second opinion and finds a doctor murdered in his office.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, as long as you're here...
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, sure. Okay, no problem. Empty bottles. He took the pills, but not the bottles? There's a drug rehab center downstairs.
Hospital Administrator: We get addicts and junkies in here all the time. Security's a nightmare, but we're a hospital. We have to keep the doors open.
Adrian Monk: Why didn't he just take the bottles? He wanted us to find these. He wanted us to think junkie. Oh, yeah, see there? He was wearing slippers, rounded and smooth.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A patient. Not a junkie, a patient. What do you got?
Adrian Monk: There's powder.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Smells like talcum powder.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, let's meet our suspect. Hank Johansen. He's getting a colectomy on Wednesday morning. I think you can secure your weapon, Lieutenant. That's a perfect match. Get the tech guys down here. We've found our murder weapon.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you think? Is he the guy?
Adrian Monk: Uh, stranger things have happened. Although, I can't think of one offhand.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Hank Johansen: What the hell are you doing?! Are you trying to kiss me?
Adrian Monk: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Johansen, hi. I'm Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I'm a homicide detective. This is Lieutenant Disher.
Hank Johansen: Who's your lady friend?
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is Adrian Monk. He's a special consultant.
Hank Johansen: What happened to your nose? You get shot?
Adrian Monk: Shot? No, no. But it is bleeding pretty badly.
Hank Johansen: I caught a bullet in my nose in Korea. It still hurts like a son of a bitch, but you don't hear me crying about it.
Adrian Monk: I'm not crying.
Hank Johansen: But you want to, don't you? Yeah, he wants to cry. Yeah. I'm gonna call you Soft Serve. Like the ice cream. Soft and squishy.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Johansen, there was a homicide last night on the fifth floor. We're investigating it.
Hank Johansen: Good for you.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, a man was beaten to death with that oxygen tank. Your oxygen tank.
Hank Johansen: What the hell are you talking about?!
Lieutenant Disher: Where were you last night between the hours of 1:00 and 3:00 a.m.? [Johansen signals for Disher to come closer] Where do you think I was?! What is this, your first day with a new brain?
Lieutenant Disher: No.
Hank Johansen: I was here! Hooked up to this damn machine. Beep, beep, beep. You see Dr. Scott, you tell him I want this thing unhooked. It's driving me mental.
Adrian Monk: Who-- Who's Dr. Scott?
Hank Johansen: Dr. Davis Scott is taking out half my colon on Wednesday. And he's the second-best surgeon in California. And that's not my opinion. That's a fact. Soft Serve, I know my rights. And you people can't just waltz in here and... [falls asleep]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Soft Serve, come here.
Lieutenant Disher: Crime Scene's on their way, and the floor is secure.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Do you think Mr. Johansen could lift an oxygen tank? It must weigh about 40 pounds.
Nurse: You might want to ask his primary physician, Dr. Scott.
Adrian Monk: And where is he?
Nurse: I know exactly where Dr. Scott is. Room 694. Down the hall, to the right. Follow the signs. He's been there all day.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All day?
Nurse: He's a patient in the cardio ward. He admitted himself last night.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, Dr. Scott, we could come back later, when you're feeling better.
Dr. Scott: No, I feel great. This is just a precaution. Last night I had a slight substernal chest pain. I checked myself in, had them run a couple of tests.
Lieutenant Disher: Is everything okay?
Dr. Scott: Never felt better. First good night's sleep I've had since med school.
Cardiologist: You got lucky, Davis. You gotta tap the brakes.
Dr. Scott: Thank you, Mother. Do you seriously think Hank Johansen was involved with what happened last night?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, we're not sure.
Dr. Scott: I can't imagine how. He has progressive rheumatoid arthritis in both legs.
Lieutenant Disher: So you don't think he could lift a 40-pound oxygen tank?
Dr. Scott: Hank Johansen? He can't even put his own pants on. And besides, isn't he hooked up to one of these? I mean, you'd know if he left the room.
Cardiologist: I heard it was somebody from the clinic. A junkie.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Scott: Well, it's not my specialty, but as long as I'm here.
Cardiologist: You're a lucky man. Most people have to wait three months for this consultation.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Dr. Scott: Bleeding on and off?
Adrian Monk: On and on.
Dr. Scott: Does this hurt?
Adrian Monk: Yes! Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Dr. Scott: I haven't done anything yet.
Adrian Monk: It was going to hurt. I can tell.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Scott: Okay, I'm not going to touch you. Relax.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. I went to the emergency room.
Dr. Scott: Let me guess, they tried to cauterize it, and it didn't take.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. And there was this woman in the waiting room. She said that her stepbrother-
Dr. Scott: Had the exact same symptom.
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Dr. Scott: And now you've convinced yourself there's some kind of tumor.
Adrian Monk: You think it's a tumor? He said tumor. He said the word "tumor." You heard him, and I knew it. I knew it. I can feel it. It's right back here. It's like the size of a basketball. For the love of God, can I get a room?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, that's not what he meant.
Dr. Scott: Mr. Monk, you don't have a tumor. Relax. Take a breath. Now, these conditions often have psychological components. Are you under a lot of stress?
Adrian Monk: I wouldn't say that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I would.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [notices Dr. Scott's bruise in the reflection on a balloon] Did you hurt yourself?
Dr. Scott: Oh, racquetball. I missed the shot too. That's what really hurt.
Adrian Monk: Is that talcum powder?
Dr. Scott: Yes. And if you keep over-focusing, that nose is never gonna shut itself off. I have powder on my hands all the time. All doctors do. It's in the latex gloves. Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen. If you need me, give me a call.
Lieutenant Disher: Thank you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: You were right. There's a motive. Dr. Scott's being sued for malpractice. The late Dr. Whitcomb was scheduled to testify against him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Malpractice?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, a year ago. Scott lost a patient on the operating table. Dr. Whitcomb claims - or was about to claim - that he saw Scott popping pills before the operation.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Amphetamines. He would have lost his license.
Adrian Monk: He did it. Dr. Scott, he's the guy.
Lieutenant Disher: Was it the talcum powder?
Adrian Monk: The powder, plus the bruise on his leg. It was still swollen. Had to be less than a day old.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that could have been from racquetball.
Adrian Monk: No, I don't think so. I think he hit his leg on the coffee table in Dr. Whitcomb's office. I hit it too. Look. See? It's in the exact same spot.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Would you explain to him what you mean about the battery?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. All right, listen. Okay, he's a doctor, right? So, okay, the monitor... The monitor... Okay, I got nothin', all right? Okay? We're both wrong. All right, he couldn't have taken it with him. But there's gotta be something else. I'm sorry, Captain. It's this damn tumor. I'm losing a lot of blood here.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Scott: Mr. Monk, I thought I sent you home.
Adrian Monk: I had some unfinished business.
Dr. Scott: This is Mr. Adrian Monk. He's with the police department. I'm sure you all heard about what happened to Graydon Whitcomb?
Adrian Monk: Could you take a look at this, Doctor? This is from an EKG.
Dr. Scott: Yes, I think I've seen one or two of these.
Adrian Monk: Well, this was from last night. Midnight to 3:00 a.m. There are some gaps here and here. It looks like it was disconnected.
Dr. Scott: Eva, explain these gaps to Mr. Monk.
Female Intern: There are gaps like these in any EKG. Anytime a patient rolls over or changes position.
Adrian Monk: Well, what about this one? How long is this gap right here?
Female Intern: 8, maybe 10 seconds.
Dr. Scott: 10 seconds. Not much help, is it?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Female Intern: What's going on?
Dr. Scott: It's almost too absurd. You remember my patient Hank Johansen? 82 years old, osteoarthritis, kidney failure. He is Detective Monk's number one suspect. I think that may not be blood, Mr. Monk. I think you may be losing cranial fluid. [laughter]
Adrian Monk: Yeah, actually, I have a different suspect.
Dr. Scott: Well, that's a relief.
Adrian Monk: This one had a motive. The victim was about to testify against him in a malpractice suit.
Dr. Scott: I hope your new suspect wasn't hooked up to a heart monitor too. Because that would mean he couldn't possibly have done it. Am I right? It would also mean you're wasting my time. Your time may not mean much, Mr. Monk, but my time in this hospital is a precious commodity. Go bleed somewhere else.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Hank Johansen: Soft Serve! What the hell are you doing in my closet?! How long you been in there?! That's it. Now, after my operation, it's go time. In the parking lot, you and me.
Adrian Monk: Mr. Johansen, who assigned you to this room?
Hank Johansen: None of your damn business, you moron. Now, where's my wallet? What did you do with my wallet?
Adrian Monk: Sir, please! This is very important. I am investigating a homicide here.
Hank Johansen: If you touched my wallet, so help me, God, you're gonna be bleeding from more than your nose.
Adrian Monk: It was Dr. Scott, wasn't it?
Hank Johansen: As a matter of fact it was. There was a waiting list, and he had to pull a lot of strings to get me in here. [finds wallet] Oh, there it is. 12, 13, 14. Okay. You're a lucky son of a bitch.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Hank Johansen: [on the phone] Dr. Scott, please. Yes, it's very important. Dr. Scott, this is Hank Johansen. You know that wack-job detective Adrian Monk? He just jumped out of my closet, screaming that you had killed some guy with my oxygen tank. [laughs] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. You better do something before he hurts somebody. Yeah, yeah, I know exactly where he is.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Scott: You said you wanted to be admitted. Your prayers have been answered, Mr. Monk. No, you can't speak or move. Don't even try. You're literally wasting your breath. I've injected 3ccs of tribusonol into your larynx. Do you have any idea what I do here every day? How many lives these hands have saved? How many lives they will save? Hundreds, thousands. That's my mission. It's why I'm here. I am the miracle man. Do you think I would let you, former-Detective Monk, or Dr. Graydon Whitcomb, or anyone stop me? Oh, by the way, I have some good news for you. I stopped that pesky nosebleed. You're welcome. I have some other news, not quite so good. You had an accident. At least, that's what your chart says. You were in a stairwell, you tripped. You suffered a concussion. Possible nerve damage, multiple fractures. Ah, it gets worse. I don't know how this happened. The name on this chart is Dale Butterworth. In four minutes, the day nurse - who is new to this floor - is going to walk in, read this chart, and administer a massive dose if intravenous tetracycline. [Monk tries to groan] Yes, I know about your allergy. Unfortunately, mistakes like this happen all the time.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Argh! Son of a preacher man!
Natalie: Oh, God, you okay?
Lieutenant Disher: That's bleeding.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You want to go back inside?
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. I'm fine. Let's just go.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it could get infected. Maybe we should just go back in there.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, no. Can't do running into the E.R. abut every little thing. Let's just go. Come on, let's go home. Ow! Ow!

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