Spyder Rudner: You got a problem.
Adrian Monk: No, no.
Spyder Rudner: It's not a question. I'm telling you. You have a problem!
Adrian Monk: Listen, Mr. Spyder...
Spyder Rudner: [slams Monk against the wall] Aah! Don't ever say "listen" to me! Do you understand, meat? I know why you're here.
Adrian Monk: You do?
Spyder Rudner: It's the warden. He knows I wanna be alone, so he put you here to agitate and punish me.

Spyder Rudner: You were in Lompoc?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, for a while. Then they moved me, 'cause I was too much of a bad... ass.
Spyder Rudner: I had a friend in Lompoc Eddie Corcoran. Know him?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, I knew Eddie.
Spyder Rudner: What was he in for?
Adrian Monk: He strangled his wife.
Spyder Rudner: You might be all right. Who's that, your old lady?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Spyder Rudner: Is she waitin' for you?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, she is.
Spyder Rudner: You're a lucky man. She'll keep you strong.

Dale Biederbeck: Well, if it isn't "Captain Shtucklmeyer" and his cabana boy. I'm gettin' real popular.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is this a bad time, Dale?
Dale Biederbeck: You're here to talk to me about the late, not so great Ray Kaspo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How did you guess?
Dale Biederbeck: Oh, I never guess, Captain. I knew you were coming before you did. Oh. Is that a bagel?
Lieutenant Disher: Mm-hmm. Want some?
Dale Biederbeck: Oh, uh, no, thanks. I can't. I'm on a low-carb diet.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand Ray Kaspo owed you some money.
Dale Biederbeck: Twelve hundred dollars. I wouldn't bend down to pick up $1,200. I mean, even if I could.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I think you were trying to make an example of him. That would be more your style.
Dale Biederbeck: [laughs] Leland Stottlemeyer is lecturing me about style. The world has gone mad.
Lieutenant Disher: You hired Adrian Monk to find the real killer. Is that right?
Dale Biederbeck: Mm-hmm.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And why would you do that?
Dale Biederbeck: That's between me and Monk.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, we heard it's because you wanted a window. They won't install one until the case is closed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is a window that important to you?
Dale Biederbeck: Try living without one.

Adrian Monk: It's freezing. I feel like I'm back in Canada.
Spyder Rudner: Is that where you're from?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Calgary. Born and raised. You ever been?
Spyder Rudner: No, can't say that I have.
Adrian Monk: That's not what I hear. I hear you spent some time up there with Ray Kaspo.
Spyder Rudner: Where'd you hear that?
Adrian Monk: Around. Is it true?
Spyder Rudner: Maybe yes, maybe no.

Spyder Rudner: Hey, what happened to my watch?
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Spyder Rudner: Where the hell is my watch? It was right there! [pulls out his shiv and grabs Monk] My grandfather gave me that watch. Where is it?
Adrian Monk: I-I didn't take your watch. I swear.
Spyder Rudner: You better not be lyin' to me.
Adrian Monk: Do I look like an idiot? Listen. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, Spyder. Look, look. I'm- I'm pretty good at finding things. If I can find it... If I can find it, you-you tell me about Calgary.
Spyder Rudner: You find out who took the watch, we got a deal.
[Monk and Spyder perform a gang handshake. Halfway through, Monk pulls a card out of his pocket to check the correct steps.]

Medical Examiner: Hold on. I have the autopsy report right here. It's pretty bizarre. Any idea who did this or why they'd bother?
Sharona: Not yet.
Medical Examiner: Look at the lungs. They're completely disintegrated. We found traces of mercury, arsenic, Benzedrine. There's enough poison in that body to kill 10 men. Somebody's going to be disappointed.
Sharona: What do you mean?
Medical Examiner: Well, Ray Kaspo was donating his organs to medicine. He had a rare blood type. AB-negative with "D" antigen. But there's nothing left to donate. Every organ... the kidneys, the heart, they've all been eaten away.

Adrian Monk: It's a few minutes off. I reset it for you.
Spyder Rudner: I'll take care of them later. That was pretty impressive. How'd you know it was him?
Adrian Monk: Well, I figured whoever stole your watch would keep their sleeves rolled down, so you couldn't see it. There were only four guys in the whole yard with their sleeves rolled down, and he was the tallest.
Spyder Rudner: Why tall?
Adrian Monk: The shelf in your cell is four feet from the bars. He's the only one who could reach it.
Spyder Rudner: That's pretty sharp. Now what can I do for you?
Adrian Monk: All I want is for you to tell me about Calgary and about Ray Kaspo.
Spyder Rudner: There's nothin' to tell. I never met the guy, and I swear on my mother's eyes I've never been in Calgary. Now, whoever is telling you that, they're settin' you up.

Sylvia Fairbourn: Mr. Monk.
Sharona: You look surprised.
Sylvia Fairbourn: Why would I be surprised?
Adrian Monk: Maybe because Spyder Rudner didn't kill me.
Inmate: Where's the friggin' remote? 'Cause we're missin 'the game.
Jim Moret: [on TV] I'm Jim Moret. Welcome to Book Talk. Reclusive billionaire Lambert Lawson died today of kidney failure.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fairbourn?
Jim Moret: Our guest today is the author of "Richer Than God".
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fairbourn?
Sharona: Is this a bad time?
Sylvia Fairbourn: Yes, yes, this is a bad time.
J.T. DeMornay: Thank you, Jim.
Jim Moret: Congratulations. This book is a huge success, and I understand it's selling a lot better than your first book.
J.T. DeMornay: It would be hard not to. My first book sold, like, 50 copies, and I think my mother bought 42 of them.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Fairbourn, Spyder Rudner said he never met Ray Kaspo and had never been to Calgary.
Sylvia Fairbourn: Well, Mr. Monk, who are you going to believe, me or a man who killed four people?
Sharona: Right now, we're not sure.

Sylvia Fairbourn: Are you calling me a liar, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think I'm calling you a lot more than that.
Jim Moret: [on TV] This is a controversial book, isn't it?
J.T. DeMornay: [on TV] Uh, I didn't think so, but, uh, Mr. Lawson apparently did. He was suing me for 70 million dollars when he died.
Jim Moret: So, I guess you're off the hook now?
J.T. DeMornay: I guess so.
Sharona: There could only be one reason why you'd want Adrian dead.
Sylvia Fairbourn: And why would that be?
Adrian Monk: To prevent me from implicating you in the death of Ray Kaspo.
Sylvia Fairbourn: Why would I want to kill Ray Kaspo, especially on the very evening of his execution? What could I possibly gain from that?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Sylvia Fairbourn: Well, when you find out, we could chat again. Have a good day.

Adrian Monk: [pointing to tattoos] I'm guessing that was that was incredibly painful, huh? [picks up phone] Hello? Yeah. There are Nazis here in the rec room. This is a Nazi alert! [Nazi cuts the wire] The phone is dead.
Nazi Inmate #1: So are you.