Adrian Monk: I really appreciate you comin' out here. All the way here. Especially on your birthday. You didn't have to do this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, I did. I don't trust these guys, particularly not Grooms.
Adrian Monk: You could have asked Lieutenant Disher, or...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I thought about that, but he has a big date. The kid thinks he's in love.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. He's the one who ought to be in protective custody.

Lieutenant Disher: What does it say?
Hayley: [reads fortune cookie] "True love has finally come your way."
Lieutenant Disher: No way. It does not say that. It does not say that.
Hayley: Yes, it does. Look. Read it.
Lieutenant Disher: Wow.
Hayley: Maybe they know something.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe they do. Okay. Here. Here is mine. "A friendly hand will save you from a dirty death."
Hayley: Really? Wow, that's weird.

Hayley: Are you ready for your fortune?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know after the last one.
Hayley: Listen, I've been thinking about my grandfather all day. I know it sounds crazy, but before he died, he said he would always look out for me. What if he's communicating with me, with us, through the cookies?
Lieutenant Disher: Or What if it's just a coincidence? Hayley, I'm a cop. I'm gonna wait till I see some real evidence.
Hayley: Okay, Lieutenant, let's check out Exhibit A. "Follow your heart." Yeah, that's kind of boring.
Lieutenant Disher: My turn. "You will receive unexpected money from your uncle." Sorry. It looks like your grandpa's having an off day.
Hayley: What do you mean?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't have any uncles. Two aunts, but no uncles.
Hayley: Oh. It was fun while it lasted.

Delivery Guy: Randall Disher?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah.
Delivery Guy: Certified letter. Sign right here. All right, thanks. Oh, it's from the IRS.
Hayley: Ooh, you are in trouble now.
Lieutenant Disher: [laughs] It's a check, for $2,400 dollars.
Hayley: What?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. It's a refund. It says that they've been miscalculating my taxes or the past six years.
Hayley: Good old Uncle Sam. Good old Uncle Sam?

Captain Stottlemeyer: She's carryin' two packages, looks like ice.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. She's been buying ice all day. That makes 16 bags she's carried in so far.
Natalie: Maybe she's havin' a party.
Adrian Monk: No food! No beer, no chips, just ice.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.
Adrian Monk: The only other thing she bought today was a new radio.
Natalie: What are you gettin' at?
Adrian Monk: Plus, I am positive I heard a man screaming at 1:15 last night.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That was me. You tied my foot to the bed.
Adrian Monk: I mean before that. It was definitely coming from that cabin. Ssh. Ssh.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Hear that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: She said her husband didn't let her listen to country music in the house.
Natalie: Maybe he's not home.
Adrian Monk: Well, where did he go? There's his boat. They only have the one car.
Natalie: Maybe he went on a walk.
Adrian Monk: No, I have been watching the house all day. Captain, I have not seen him.

Kathy Willowby: [answers phone] Hello?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, hello, Mrs. Willowby.
Kathy Willowby: Yes?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, is Martin there? My name is Darrell Hindershot. I'm a friend of Martin's. We went to high school together. We're havin' a big high-school reunion.
Kathy Willowby: Oh, I'm so sorry. He is on the lake, fishin'.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, okay. Well, I'll... I'll try back, then.
Kathy Willowby: You do that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much. [hangs up] She says he's on the lake fishing.
Adrian Monk: She killed him.
Natalie: Oh, you've got to be kidding. Can't I take you anywhere?

Agent Grooms: She was playing country music?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah.
Agent Grooms: And buying ice.
Natalie: That's right. About 20 bags.
Agent Grooms: Okay, I've seen this before. You're cooped up for a long time away from home under a lot of stress, you begin to imagine things.
Adrian Monk: I'm not imagining anything. I heard him screaming. Then their lights flickered.
Natalie: And he hasn't been seen since.
Agent Grooms: Uh-huh, it's not exactly a slam-dunk, is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it sure as hell is probable cause.

Agent Grooms: What do you want me to do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do your job. Call the sheriff.
Agent Grooms: If I call the local yokels they're gonna want to talk to Monk. I can't allow that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: W-what kind of cop are you?
Agent Grooms: I'm a cop who has his priorities straight, Captain. It's my job to protect that man. What if he's wrong? We'll be blowing his cover for nothing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He is never wrong.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch!
Natalie: What happened? We're stuck!
Adrian Monk: Maybe we can back out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm trying.
Adrian Monk: Maybe we can go forward.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We can't go forward, we're stuck.
Adrian Monk: Maybe we can back out. Back. Back out.

Lieutenant Disher: I'm almost scared to open this. It's like a Twilight Zone episode. First I almost get run over, and then a check from the IRS?
Hayley: Do you believe me now?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know what to think. Look at me. I'm afraid of a cookie.
Hayley: What does it say?
Lieutenant Disher: "An old friend is in danger. Only you can save him."
Hayley: An old friend?
Lieutenant Disher: Monk?