Mrs. Bowen: Mr. Monk, I'm a little confused.
Adrian Monk: Me, too.
Mrs. Bowen: See, I'm a registered nurse. And physically, you seem to be fine. Are you looking for a housekeeper?
Adrian Monk: No, what? No, no. I, I, I can clean the house. Don't worry about that. That's covered. She didn't give me any notice. I guess she was worried that I'd have a nervous breakdown or... But, but her son, Benjy, he he gave me this letter. He left me this.
Mrs. Bowen: It's in a baggie.
Adrian Monk: It's an evidence bag. Read the P.S. Did you read the P.S.?
Mrs. Bowen: Yeah, it's heartbreaking. Uh, Mr. Monk, can I be honest with you?
Adrian Monk: I wish you wouldn't.

Mrs. Bowen: I've had tons of patients like you. There is nothing wrong with you. It's all up here. It's psychological.
Adrian Monk: Right, right.
Mrs. Bowen: What you really need is a wife.
Adrian Monk: Oh, whoa. Uh, we just met. Okay? I don't even know you.
Mrs. Bowen: It's not me. I'm not proposing to you. It's a statement of fact. [takes out a cigarette]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me.
Mrs. Bowen: You gotta stop whining, you know?
Adrian Monk: There, there's no smoking.
Mrs. Bowen: Sharona moved away, wah, wah, wah. You know what? You have got to get out of the house. You gotta do something. Go bowling. You know, meet some people. That is my advice to you.
Adrian Monk: You gotta, you gotta put that out!
Mrs. Bowen: All right. Don't get all twisted up. There. It's out. And so am I. Another morning shot to hell.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, come here. Look, how's it going? I've been worried about you.
Adrian Monk: No, uh, I've been worried about me, too.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How are those interviews going? Did you find anybody?
Adrian Monk: I've narrowed it down. To nobody.
Adrian Monk: Whatever happened with your wife's niece? The one who's the nurse?
Adrian Monk: She never called me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know. Um here's the thing, Monk. I love her.
Adrian Monk: I understand.

Natalie: Detective Monk, hurry up. He's getting away! Hurry! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Wait. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Wait, listen. Maybe I should've mentioned this earlier, but I, see, the thing is, I have a number of phobias.
Natalie: You? No.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes. Yes, and one of them, near the top of the list, actually, is the miracle of birth.
Natalie: You're gonna be okay. Just take my hand. Okay, fetus ahead!
Adrian Monk: Oh, no! Ooh, I can't go up there. Ah, I, I don't even know this woman.
Natalie: Okay, but we're gonna lose him! Pretend you're in a funhouse!
Adrian Monk: Funhouse, no. What's fun about fallopian tubes? I can't, I gotta I can't now.
Natalie: Okay, you know what, just forget it, okay? We're outta here.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Natalie: No, no, no. We have to go through the pelvis.
Adrian Monk: I think this is gonna be a cesarean. [alarmed door sounds]

Natalie: Professor? Professor Tilburn? Professor Tilburn. Mr. Franklin here doesn't think that Julie's fish you know the one that I showed you, could live longer than a year or two. What do you think?
Adrian Monk: I think it can.
Mr. Franklin: I don't see how. It's a common variety marble fish. Has a miniscule genome size and almost no immune system.
Adrian Monk: Let's go. Let's get outta here. [off Natalie's look] That's true. That's true about most marble fish. But this is a completely different species. This is the North Korean marble fish.
Mr. Franklin: North Korean?
Adrian Monk: It's a very strong fish. It's a very tough fish. Would have to be to live in a country like, uh...
Adrian & Natalie: North Korea.
Natalie: Right.
Adrian Monk: This fish could live for... Oh, my God, three or four years. [Natalie shakes her head] Four and a half or five. [still shaking] Or six. [nods] Or six, six, that's it. Six years.

Adrian Monk: Natalie, so I've been thinking. Uh, if you, if you really hate it here. I mean, if you're really not happy, if you really hate it here, I am looking for a new assistant.
Natalie: Thank you, Adrian. I appreciate that. But I'm not the "Girl Friday" type.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I understand. I couldn't work for me, either. To tell you the truth, I don't know how, how Sharona lasted as long as she did.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Miss Teeger, I'd like to go through the story. Um, you heard a noise, you came to check it out. He comes, he grabs you from behind.
Natalie: Right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You struggle. Now, there were some scissors on that table. What were they doing there?
Natalie: Julie, my daughter, was working on a school project.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where's the girl?
Lieutenant Disher: She's with a neighbor. Didn't see anything.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good. So you grabbed the scissors and you stabbed him?
Natalie: I wasn't trying to kill him. Maybe I was. I, I don't know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie. You had every right to defend yourself. Where's your husband?
Natalie: Uh, he died. Uh, six years ago. He's a, uh, was a navy pilot.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.

Natalie: Captain, why are they doing this? What do they want from me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who's "they"?
Lieutenant Disher: There was, uh, another intruder two days ago.
Natalie: On Tuesday, a man came to my house. He said he was here to check my water meter. But he didn't go downstairs. I, I caught him over there just looking around. But when he saw me, he ran out the back door.
Lieutenant Disher: We called Water and Power, but there's no record.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And this was a different guy?
Natalie: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're sure about that?
Natalie: Yeah.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is there anything of value in your house?
Natalie: Yeah. My daughter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Of course. I mean cash or jewelry? Medicine?
Natalie: No.
Lieutenant Disher: Drugs?
Natalie: No!
Captain Stottlemeyer: And you've never seen these men before? Either this guy or the meter guy?
Natalie: No.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Miss Teeger, there's a person we sometimes bring in. He's a former detective. He sort of specializes in cases like this.
Natalie: Great, let's call him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's not that easy. You see, he's, uh, he's taking some time off. He's sort of working through one or two personal issues right now. But I think if you were to talk to him and ask him yourself, he might change his mind.