Jay: Manny, while we're young!
Gloria: He doesn't want to go. That's why he's taking so long with the primping.
Jay: A boy his age should do exactly zero primping.

Manny: [aside to camera] This kid in my class, Doug Brooks, has a sports-themed birthday party every year. All boys. All sports. All day. He calls it the Doug-lympics, which might make sense if he did it every four years, or if his name was Al. Let's just say nothing about it works.

Gloria: Manny, it's a beautiful day outside. Go on. Enjoy your dougy-lympics.
Jay: You don't have to win a medal. Just have fun.
Manny: Doug finishes with the most medals no matter what. Plus I think he only invites me because he likes to match skin color to nation. I know that's why Alan Yan gets invited.
Jay: Okay, we get it. Sports isn't your thing. But you gotta step out of your comfort zone sometime. And for God sake, change out of those wingtips. You're a kid. You're not Nixon on the beach.

Phil: Jay, where you headed? Why don't you stick around and grab a beer with the dads?
Jay: Oh, I don't really know those guys. I think I'll just swing by the club, hit a few balls.
Phil: Well, come here. Let me introduce you around. Hey, guys, this is Jay, my father-in-law. Manny's stepdad.
Bill: Hey, what's up, Jay-lo?
Jay: Okay, guys, I'll see you later.
Manny: What's the matter, Jay? Afraid to step outside your comfort zone?
Jay: I will send you back to Mexico.

Cameron: Mitchell? Where were we the first day Lily rolled over?
Mitchell: Under this tree.
Cameron: Where is home base when we play hide-and-go-seek?
Mitchell: Under this tree.
Cameron: And where did we take shelter during that dangerous lightning storm?
Mitchell: Wasn't a good idea, but it was under this tree.

Claire: I forgot I was wearing it. It's no big deal. Here.
Police Officer: Ma'am. The store.
Claire: Are you kidding me? I didn't try to steal a sweatshirt! Sir, I'm a mom. Gloria, help me out.
Gloria: Listen, Mr. Policeman, if we wanted to steal it, you wouldn't even know that it was gone!
Claire: Yeah, okay. That's not helping.

Manny: Gentlemen, you wanna know about the real ultimate frisbee? Walk with one balanced on your head for 50 meters. It is a measure of poise, balance, and posture.
Doug: Let's just whip the frisbees at each other as hard as we can and see who quits first.
Luke: Frisbee smash. Awesome! Let's go!
Manny: Oh, my God, I'm Sisyphus.
Luke: Yes! A big one! Ha ha!

Phil: Okay, enough with the funny Phil stories.
Jay: No, but I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. So he's doing his little dance, and I can't take it anymore, so I nail him with the sprinklers!
Phil: Yep, and you also shorted out my boombox, which you said you'd replace and you never did.
Jay: I never said that!
Phil: Yes, you did. You still owe me one boom box, 12 "D" batteries, and an Olivia Newton-John cassingle.

Claire: Why would I buy hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise and then steal a $20 sweatshirt?
Store Manager: I don't know. Maybe you do it for the thrill. I know your type. You're a bored housewife, drives a minivan, husband spends a little too much time online. Got a couple of kids, a college degree you don't use.
Claire: You could not be more wrong.
Gloria: Yes. She has three kids.

Haley: Alex, what are you doing here?
Alex: Learning a valuable lesson about karma and how wrong it is to take pleasure in people's embarrassment.
Haley: Wow. I don't know what any of that means, but you look like hell. Say "geek."
Alex: No!
Haley: He's a vandalizer!
[aside to camera:]
Alex: 593 likes and counting.