Cameron: [aside to camera] I knew for a fact Claire never returned my tupperware, I just needed a few minutes alone to find it. And when I did, I'd never have to hear them snicker again, "Oh, silly Cam" or "forgetful Cam," because revenge is a dish best served cold. And even better, two days later out of 24-ounce microwave-friendly burp-sealed Pak-N-Stor.

Cameron: I thought you were going to see your friend Miranda.
Luke: This one chickened out. For someone who says he likes girls so much, he sure is afraid of them.
Manny: It's a dance, Luke.
Luke: Chicken dance.
Cameron: Well, since you're back, what if I give you 20 bucks, and you guys go wash my car?
Luke: Is that 20 bucks for each of us, or both of us?
Cameron: Both.
Luke: That's what I thought.

Dr. Goodall: So I've completed the examination, she did really well.
Phil: What's the prognosis?
Dr. Goodall: We can fix most of her arm, but she'll never regain full mobility in her shoulder joint, because they don't make that part anymore.
Haley: Well, that's pretty good, right? I mean, she'll look exactly the same. No one will know.
Phil: I'll know.
Dr. Goodall: Uh-
Phil: I'm just saying I liked her the way she was. She was such a sweet little doll. I'm sorry, doctor. I'm having trouble adjusting to all this.
Haley: Uh, dad, she's still a sweet little doll.
Phil: No, she's broken.
Haley: No, she's just changed a little. It happens. Dolls grow up.
Dr. Goodall: Well, actually...
Haley: Uh, could you...?
Dr. Goodall: Yeah. Sure. I actually have to go give a little girl some pretty bad news.

Manny: That was amazing! Did you see the look on Miranda's face?
Luke: No. But you did good, Thelma.
Manny: Please stop calling me that. I hate that movie.
Luke: What movie?

Mitchell: I just want you to know I get why you're upset, okay? That- That day you got the hole-in-one, it meant a lot to you. And I I marred it. But it meant a lot to me, too. We had a steak dinner, you gave me my first beer, and, uh, it was one of the greatest days we ever spent together. And it wasn't about some meaningless hole-in-one, it was about us.
Jay: No. It was about a hole-in-one.
Mitchell: Yes. Yes. A-a little bit, maybe. But mostly, it was about how we bonded.
Jay: I thought I hit a ball straight from the tee really, really far into a tiny hole.
Mitchell: Okay. Well, when will I learn?
Jay: And it wasn't your first beer, anyway.
Mitchell: Yes, it was, dad, but I wouldn't expect you to remember.
Jay: It was your 14th birthday. You asked me for a sip of mine. Your mom yelled at you in front of all your friends, said you were just a baby. You ran outside in tears, which, unfortunately, supported your mom's argument. Anyway, I came out with a couple of beers. We drank 'em on the porch watching the storm clouds coming in.

Gloria: Did you check your car? In the...
Jay: Trunk.
Gloria: Because that's where you found that thing that you thought that you gave me long time ago, the... The...
Jay: Pizza cutter. Good, give me another one.

Luke: Look at them. They all think Lily's so great.
Manny: The novelty will wear off.
Luke: We used to be the cute ones. Now she gets all the attention. We need to take her down.

Mitchell: Well, not to come to Mom's defense, but-
Claire: T-t-t-t.
Mitchell: What? It was 20 years ago. What, you think he's gonna ground you?
Jay: It was you?
Claire: Yes. Yes, I left the top down, and I let Mom take the fall.
Mitchell: And then they got divorced.
Claire: 12 years later.
Mitchell: I'm just saying.

Jay: Relax. It was years ago. There's a statute of limitation on this stuff.
Claire: In that case, I should probably let you know I let the top down to let out the cigarette smoke. Not- Not mine. Not mine. My- My bad friend Eleanor.
Mitchell: Eleanor being her boyfriend Allen.
Claire: Statute of limitations.
Jay: Oh, relax, it's okay. Remember when I told you that I couldn't get to your figure skating semifinal because I was stuck at work?
Claire: Yeah.
Jay: Well, by "stuck" I meant "drunk," and by "work" I meant "the golf course."

Mitchell: I got one. I got one. Remember that time we went golfing together, and you got a hole-in-one?
Jay: Yeah?
Mitchell: You never got a hole-in-one. I got bored and I kicked it in the hole.
Phil: This is fun. Here's a corker. They didn't used to label babies as carefully in hospitals, so for two days-
Jay: Not now, Phil.