Phil: Oh, that's bad.
Claire: Oh, honey.
Phil: I'm fine. No, I'm fine. I'm just- Okay, that's cancer.
Claire: Maybe it's just a kidney stone.
Phil: "Just," Claire?

Phil: I just need a pill. Give me the biggest one you can find.
Claire: Honey, breathe. Just-Just breathe.
Phil: That's what I told you when you were in labor and you threw my smoothie at me. Pill!
Haley: Okay, I'm calling.
Phil: No, no, it's fine! It's actually- It's fine. It's passing. It's passing. I am sorry to alarm everyone. I think I was probably just overreacting, because there's an alien inside of me!

Javier: I see a picture over here of you on a motorcycle. You ride?
Jay: I used to.
Javier: Used to? Used to? Jay, the saddest words in any language, my friend.
Jay: Yeah. Hey, help me out here. Everybody sees you as this great guy. You know, you live this life of adventure. How come I don't buy a word of it? All I see is a dad who doesn't show up.
Javier: Hey, Manny knows me. I live in the now.
Jay: Well, I was living in the yesterday when Manny was crying outside that door 'cause you didn't show up for the 10th time.
Javier: And when I don't come, you think, uh- What, I'm just off chasing a good time, hmm? You ever think it might be hard for me, coming here?
Jay: Why? Because of Gloria?
Javier: Because of you.

Phil: Don't cry, Luke. I'm okay.
Luke: I broke the coffee table!
Phil: That's okay. What?
Luke: I broke the glass coffee table.
Phil: The one you swore you didn't break, and then we blamed Esperanza and fired her and she stole a turkey at Thanksgiving for her family and got deported?
Luke: Yeah.
Phil: Damn it! I'm sorry. [groaning as he reaches out] You will be sorry!

Phil: Did you hear that? Hmm. Luke broke the- - Hey, you changed your clothes.
Claire: Well, I had- I had to get dressed.
Phil: Into that sexy, clingy- Oh, my God. It's the firemen.
Claire: No, sweetie.
Phil: And lipstick! I'm out here convulsing in agony and you're looking for cute tops to wear?
Claire: I just threw on the first thing I could find.
Phil: We got a minute, if you wanna try on some tighter jeans- [groans]
Claire: Oh, Phil, sweetie.
Phil: Oh, no. By all means, Claire, we want you looking your sexiest when the hunky, gay firemen get here!
Fireman: How we doing?
Claire: We're great.
Phil: He meant me!

Javier: No, listen, Jay. You're a tough guy to compete with. Look at all you have.
Jay: So Manny has to suffer?
Javier: No. You're right. Look, I'm going to try harder. But maybe it's a good thing that he has the two of us. From you, he learns stability. From me, he learns how to be spontaneous, grab life by the throat.
Jay: Well, we do a little throat grabbing ourselves around here, you know. We were on our way to Benihana when you showed up.

Manny: What are you guys doing?
Jay: Manny, did we wake you up? I'm sorry.
Manny: No. I was doing my science extra credit.
Jay: Of course you were.

Mitchell: Cameron, do you realize how infuriating this is? The whole point of Ferberizing is to teach her to put herself to sleep, and you keep ruining it.
Cameron: I can't help it. I'm like a mother bear. When I hear my cub crying, I have to run to her.
Mitchell: Except you're not a bear. Get in our room. Get- Cam, get in there. Get in there. Cut it out. All the way- Our room. Get! Get in there. Come on. Come on. Get in there. Get!

Haley: That's so unfair. Why not?
Claire: Because that's how girls end up dead.

Claire: Is this a bad time?
Nurse: No, we're just giving him something to relax before the procedure.
Phil: Which is gonna go just fine.
Alex: Oh, we know.
Phil: We don't know. In case it doesn't, promise me you'll be nice to your new fireman daddy.
Claire: Unbelievable.
Phil: My wife got dressed up for the firemen last night.
Claire: I didn't get dressed up for the firemen.
Alex: Those heels were really hot.
Phil: You put on heels?