Phil: You did get dressed up, didn't you?
Claire: I pulled on the first thing I saw, okay?
Phil: Okay, I'll drop it, 'cause this stuff is making me fall asleep. And if I never wake up, I'd hate for the last thing you ever said to me to be a lie.
Claire: [whispering] I might have gotten dressed up just a tiny bit. [walks away]
Phil: I knew it.
Claire: Oh, damn it!

Gloria: Manny, we're gonna be late for school. Why are you so tired today?
Jay: [tapping Manny to wake him] Any reason I can't take him?
Gloria: I'm surprised you're up. I know what time you went back to bed.
Jay: Oh, it was nothing. We just went out, we hit a few balls. And you'll never guess where. I guess Javier knew a guy.
Gloria: And you know what? Now that he knows you, the next time he needs something, you are the guy. [Manny falls asleep and his head hits the table] Ay, dios mi­o. Did you took him with you?
Jay: You couldn't wait to get to school to do that?

Jay: I thought you said you wanted me to bond with Javier.
Gloria: I said be nice, Jay. I didn't say take Manny up all night and play games.
Manny: Then we got hot dogs.
Gloria: Ay. Go to sleep! If I wanted to be married to a wild man, I would have stayed with Javier.

Javier: You're not leaving, are you?
Manny: I've got school.
Javier: What? School?
Gloria: Yes, school. That's where people go to learn things, like not to keep children up all night.
Javier: He told her?
Jay: He's weak.

Gloria: Jay, I'm not gonna argue anymore. I'm not gonna say anything else. Do whatever you want. But I don't wanna hear you any more saying that Colombians are crazy, 'cause you're the one that is acting crazy, even though he's the one that is making you act crazy. So I don't know what the hell I'm talking about! Manny!

Cameron: You know what? I don't need to sit here and be condescended to. I'm gonna make myself an ice tea.
Mitchell: I will bring you down.
Cameron: You can't bring me down.
Mitchell: I'll sweep your legs.
Cameron: There's something wrong with you that the sound of our child in such distress doesn't bother you more.
Mitchell: She's not in distress, and this just proves that you need this more than she does. I'm Ferberizing two babies.

Gloria: Ay! I guess you didn't kill yourself in the motorcycle today.
Jay: Well, I figured you were looking forward to killing me, so I'm not gonna take that away from you.

Jay: He's dragging me to this bar with some of his old baseball pals. He was supposed to be here at 5:00.
Gloria: Ah, he's dragging you, huh?
Jay: Yeah. I figured it would be okay. I've seen half these guys play.
Gloria: Javier says it's cool.
Jay: What? What's the joke?
Gloria: Nothing. It's just funny to me that you make fun of me because I was seduced by him, but here you are-
Jay: No one is getting seduced. I'm doing this for Manny.
Gloria: Yeah, it's very important for Manny that you two go and have a nice picnic in the mountains.
Jay: First of all, it wasn't a picnic. We stopped for coffee. They just happened to be selling crepes. Listen. Let me know when he calls, all right? Geez, it's almost 6:00.

Claire: Look, I am sorry. I'm so sorry.
Phil: Ah, no.
Claire: There's no excuse for it. I think I just spend so much time in dowdy mom clothes, and I'm covered in paste and peanut butter, and I just- I wanted to feel attractive for a second, you know? I'm sorry.

Elaine: Phil, you're not leaving without saying good-bye, are you?
Phil: Hey, Elaine.
Elaine: Is this your husband?
Claire: Uh-huh.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Good-bye, Paris.