Luke: What are they doing to you, Dad?
Phil: I have a little scratchy rock inside of me and they're sliding in a tube and sucking it out.
Luke: You're not scared, are you?
Phil: When was the last time you saw your old man scared?
Luke: When you walked through the spiderweb. When we were playing with the Ouija board and the wind blew the door shut.
Phil: There was no wind, buddy. We brought something forth. Oh. This stuff's really hitting me. My insides feel like velvet.

Javier: Well, listen, you said you used to like riding motorcycles, right? So I brought you one.
Jay: I know. But I kind of got work-
Javier: [scoffs] Work.
Manny: Go, Jay.
Javier: Yeah, go.
Gloria: Yes, go, Jay, and take Manny with you too!
Manny: Okay.
Gloria: No, Manuel Alberto! In the car or I put you in the trunk!

Cameron: Raccoons slipped into the Lawsons' home and stole a loaf of bread.
Mitchell: Your point?
Cameron: That we left Lily's window open a crack, and those raccoons need something to put between that bread, and that is Lily's "help me" cry. I'm coming for you, Lily!

Claire: What are you two doing?
Phil: Oh, I picked up one of those Water Weasels. You hook it on the end of the hose and it flies around in the air.
Claire: Just like a weasel.
Phil: Yeah. Look at how awesome. He's so wet.
Luke: I put the weasel in my pants.
Phil: He totally did.

Gloria: [seeing the boat] Ay, Jay, you didn't?
Jay: Yes, I did. I got us into that new Benihana. They got a chef there that can flip a shrimp into his own hat.

Javier: So I would have called, but while I was buying this boat for a friend, I got chased out to sea by another boat y "tiqui tiqui".
Manny: Were they pirates?
Javier: I didn't stop to ask.
Jay: Well, it's not hard to tell. Did they have curvy swords and sing songs about how fun it is to be a pirate?

Jay: So, we were just headed out to dinner.
Javier: What, you think I show up empty-handed? I brought dinner- lobsters!
Manny: Did you catch them with your bare hands?
Javier: No. But I bought them with my bare hands.

Jay: What did he say? Does he need money for the lobsters?
Gloria: Jay, be nice.
Jay: "Be nice." I could be sitting grill-side, watching a guy build an onion volcano. Instead, I got Rico Suave in my kitchen, and I got a stolen boat in my driveway.

Gloria: If it was for me, he'd be out of my life. But it's good for Manny to be with his father.
Jay: I just can't believe you ever fell for that act.
Gloria: Colombians can be very persuasive. They can make you agree to things before you even know it. [caressing Jay]
Jay: You must have been pretty naive.
Gloria: Yeah. But now I'm with the right man, okay?
Jay: Right.
Gloria: Javier is only going to stay one night.
Jay: Good. Wait, what?

Cameron: [aside to camera] Well, Mitchell really wanted to Ferberize the baby.
Mitchell: Ferberize. It is a method of getting the baby to sleep through the night by, yes, basically letting her cry herself to sleep.
Cameron: Torture.
Mitchell: It's not torture, Cam.
Cameron: It's just hard if you happen to be a person who hates to hear another person suffer.
Mitchell: Or two people suffer.