Manny: I'm kind of wrestling with this whole older man, younger woman thing. It's like Chloe and I grew up in different worlds. Today I made a joke about the Wiggles. It went right over her head.
Jay: I don't know what that is.
Manny: It's an expression. It means she didn't get it.

Jay: I always knew your mother might remarry after I'm gone. That never bothered me. I figured her husbands would be your dad, me and some putz who could never live up to me. But what if I'm not the main guy? What if some other guy is? What if I'm the putz?
Manny: When my mom and dad got divorced, do you have any idea how many guys chased after her? The phone didn't stop ringing. Men would stop her on the street. Guys would propose to her from moving cars. And they were good-looking guys, Jay, with money. I think one of them was a Kennedy.
Jay: Where are you going with this?
Manny: When you showed up, I didn't think you had a prayer. You were so nervous and sweaty, I felt sorry for you.
Jay: I had to climb three flights of stairs.

Manny: But of all people, my mom fell for you.
Jay: I've got a few moves.
Manny: She said she fell in love with you during your first fight.
Jay: What?
Manny: She said she'd finally met her match.
Jay: Huh.
Manny: So if you think she's just gonna replace you when you're gone then you are the putz.
Jay: Thanks, kid. I appreciate that.
Jay: I thought you liked me when I first showed up.
Manny: Please. For the first month, I didn't even bother to learn your name.

Jay: [aside to camera] It's perfect. Jay Pritchett sitting on the mantel in the old coffee can. That will drive the putz crazy, and I like that. [laughs]

Mitchell: I took a quick pass at "Two Monkeys and a Panda." So just let me know what you think. "Once upon a time there were two monkeys. They loved each other very much, but there was something missing."
Cameron: A hyphen?
Mitchell: "They wanted a baby. And they heard that there was a very special baby in a faraway land who needed a family. She was a panda named Lily. One of the monkeys was scared. They'd never had a panda before. But they held Lily in their arms and the scared monkey became the brave one. And the two monkeys"
Cameron: Coco and Miko.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. What?
Cameron: Coco and Miko are the names of the monkeys.
Mitchell: Really? That doesn't seem like it's a little on- Coco and Miko. I like that. I like that. Coco and Miko. Yeah. "They traveled all the way home with the perfect panda that they adopted."
Cameron: Did she just clap? She heard "adopted" and clapped.
Mitchell: Cam, that's amazing. Oh, my God. You did that. Wha- You did that. That is amazing. I can't believe that.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Once we finished writing the book, we realized something.
Cameron: We're not the only two monkeys with a panda. Gay parents are a huge market, and no one's writing for them. We thought we were sitting on a gold mine.
Mitchell: But we weren't.

Mitchell: Let's see. Oh. "Gay Parenting."
Cameron: Oh.
Mitchell: "Gay Adoptive Parenting."
Cameron: Okay.
Mitchell: "Gay Adoption Foreign Children."
Cameron: Wow.
Mitchell: "Gay Adoption Asian Children."
Cameron: What?
Mitchell: "Bisexual Adoption Asian Children."
Cameron: Oh!
Mitchell: "Transgendered Adoption"
Cameron: Okay, come on. Let's go, Miko.

Claire: Yes, Phil. What?
Phil: I was going through your drawer in the bathroom looking for some lip stuff 'cause my-
Claire: Lips were dry.
Phil: God, you know me.

Phil: Remember the spa certificates we got at the children's hospital auction? Well, look at this. They expire tomorrow.
Claire: Oh, well, what are you gonna do?
Phil: Claire, I don't think you're grasping the magnitude of this package valued at over $250.
Claire: Sweetie.
Phil: If you don't use 'em then all our money just goes to charity.

Claire: So somewhere between dropping off Alex at orchestra and picking up Luke from practice oh, and burning a bunch of DVDs of the talent show I'm gonna what, pop in for a quick salt scrub?
Phil: I thought Cheryl was doing the DVDs.
Claire: She's supposed to, but somehow she's got me doing it.
Phil: Here's what you do. You say, "Cheryl, no can do today. Need a little me time."
Claire: Have you met Cheryl? That'll be my new nickname. I'll be Claire "Me Time" Dunphy. It's not worth the headache.
Phil: Just say you're sick.
Claire: Then I'll run into her and it'll be a whole thing.
Phil: If that happens, say you were on your way to the pharmacy.