Jay: Gloria, let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Manny: Hey, Jay, have you noticed a spring in my step?
Jay: Oh, kids say cruel things. That doesn't mean you'll turn out that way.
Manny: No. We have something in common. I'm seeing a younger woman.
Jay: How much younger are we talking about?
Manny: Thirteen months. Her name's Chloe. She makes me feel like a fifth grader again.
Jay: Good for you, kid.

Gloria: There they are my two dirty old men.
Jay: Hey, pretty soon you're gonna be north of 40 and I'm gonna have to trade you in for a newer model. Am I right, buddy?
Manny: That's my mother, Jay.

Mitchell: What are you doing?
Cameron: I'm putting together a scrapbook of how Lily became ours. Her adoption certificates and pictures of her from her village all out in the open, so she has nothing to be ashamed of.
Mitchell: You leaving that on all day?
Cameron: You know, and I'm also gonna write a little storybook something I can read her at bedtime called "Two Monkeys and a Panda."
Mitchell: Oh.
Cameron: She's the panda because she's Asian.
Mitchell: And we're monkeys because-
Cameron: I can draw monkeys.

Mitchell: This is obviously a mistake.
Cameron: But you're the one who filled out this paperwork. You don't make mistakes like this. You correct mistakes like this. You did this on purpose.
Mitchell: What?
Cameron: You buried my name so your name could have top billing.
Mitchell: No, I am not gonna sit here and listen to you accuse me of something so horrible.
Cameron: It makes so much sense now why you wanted to fill out all these legal forms.
Mitchell: Well, I'm a lawyer. I fill out all the legal forms ever since you signed up for a 12-year gym membership.
Cameron: The more you spend, the more you save.

Phil: [aside to camera] All the women at work were too busy to use the certificates. So I called the spa and asked them to extend the expiration date. But they said no. Really? Here's something they didn't count on: You mess with Phil Dunphy, the claws come out.

Jay: I'm not gonna argue the proper use of "ta-da." This is it.
Gloria: Seriously? In the file cabinet?
Jay: It's called a crypt. And how are you not getting how great this is? We're four down from Bugsy Siegel.
Gloria: No. I'm not going into any wall. I'm going in the ground.
Jay: Sorry. Not me. There's enough not to like about death without adding dirt and worms. The whole thing gives me the willies.
Gloria: You die, you go to the ground. It's natural. You go back to the earth. Here you're just a mushy bag of bones rotting away for all eternity. [to elderly woman] Sorry for your loss.

Jay: Well, I don't know what our lineup is yet. But at home I sleep on the right side, so probably there.
Winnie: We don't mean to be rude, but you seem to be much younger than your husband.
Gloria: You're not rude. I'm very much younger.

Winnie: Well, it's just that there's a good chance you'll be moving in long before she would. Our concern is, your wife remarries and she wants to be laid to rest with her new husband. So she sells this spot to the highest bidder.
Ed: And we're left lying next to a complete stranger without even so much as a formal "how do you do?"
Jay: Gloria, tell them you're in.
Gloria: I don't know, Jay. I think they have a very good point. And they're not crazy at all.
Jay: What do you mean they have a good point?
Gloria: I don't think this is going to work. Good luck getting someone into your drawers.

Laurie: When you say, "Do this or do that" all she's hearing is, "I'm smarter than you."
Phil: Believe me, she doesn't think that.
Laurie: She doesn't want you to solve her problems. She just wants you to give her support so that she can solve her problems herself.
Noranne: Yes, and sometimes, sometimes she just wants a sympathetic ear.
Phil: Whoa. Whoa.
Laurie: Oh, yes.
Phil: Mm-hmm. Maybe it's all the creams, but that just made sense, girlfriends.

Phil: So if Claire says "I hate getting stuck in traffic" I shouldn't say, "Maybe you should leave earlier."
Noranne: No.
Phil: Or, "Don't get on the freeway." I should just say, "I know. It's so frustrating."
Laurie: Yes, that's it.
Phil: Really?
Noranne: Yes!
Phil: And if she says, "The waiter I had today was so rude" I shouldn't say, "Maybe you should have just ordered - something on the menu for once."
Woman: No.
Phil: I should just say, "What a jerk."
All: Yes!
Phil: And if she says, "Phil, the TV's driving me crazy" I should just say, "I know. There is not enough quality programming for women."
Noranne: No. Turn off the damn TV.
Phil: Okay, now I'm confused again.