‘Two Monkeys and a Panda’
Season 2, Episode 17 - Aired March 2, 2011
As Claire runs around trying to diffuse a problem between Haley and Alex, Phil has a day at the spa. Cameron discovers a secret Mitchell has been keeping about Lily's adoption. Meanwhile, Jay and Gloria argue about where they want to be buried.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Okay, I'm confused. You're saying that if she tells me she has a problem, I'm not supposed to help her?
Noranne: Not unless she asks for your help.
Phil: But if she lets me help her, I can make her problem go away.
Laurie: Oh! That is such a male thing to say.
Phil: Well, forgive me for being a man.
Kim: Mango or kiwi?
Phil: Ooh, kiwi.
Quote from Claire
Alex: Did you find it?
Claire: I did at the fifth store I went to. It was in the window, and I had to undress a mannequin while a creepy guy filmed it so we have that to look forward to on the Internet.
Quote from Alex
Claire: Hey, hey. Let's try to get along.
Haley: I wish she was never even born.
Alex: They were trying to make one with a brain.
Quote from Phil
Claire: Honey, you guys are both pretty smart.
Phil: Ah. Sheesh. It's that sweater, huh?
Claire: Yeah, it is that sweater. And I did everything I can to stop them from fighting.
Phil: I don't understand why they can't see how much you love them.
Claire: I don't know. Meanwhile, Cheryl has been calling me all day because she's angry I didn't show up.
Phil: Doesn't Cheryl have a housekeeper and a nanny? Why does she need so much help?
Claire: I know, right?
Phil: You work so hard. You do so much.
Claire: I do.
Phil: Of course you do.
Claire: I do. I do. Oh, sweetie, thank you. I really appreciate that.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Who's my gal?
Claire: I am.
Phil: Darn right.
Claire: Yeah. Let me get this.
Phil: Hey, by the way, do you notice anything different about me?
Claire: Uh-uh.
Phil: Huh.
Claire: Hmm. What is it?
Phil: Nothing.
Claire: A haircut.
Phil: A week ago.
Claire: Okay, so tell me.
Phil: Forget it. It's not important.
Claire: Okay. So tell me.
Phil: Forget it. It's not important. I'll just go start dinner.
Quote from Gloria
Jay: Listen, I've been thinking. When I go, I want you to know it's okay if you marry someone else.
Gloria: I know.
Jay: Because I want you to be happy.
Gloria: I'll be happy.
Jay: You're driving me crazy on purpose, right?
Quote from Jay
Gloria: Jay, I'm not going to marry anyone else.
Jay: That's what you say now.
Gloria: But no one knows what the future holds.
Jay: So I want you to have this.
Gloria: Ay, look at this. An empty coffee can. Do you know what men used to buy me?
Jay: When I go, toss me in the fire sweep up my ashes, stick 'em in that. Ta-da!
Gloria: We need to talk about this "ta-da."
Jay: 'Cause I don't care if it's in a wall or if it's in the ground just as long as I end up with you.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: [aside to camera] And just like that, peace returned to our house. Well, technically, it's my house, but I-I will I will fix that too.