[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Eh, there comes a point in every gay man's life when a lesbian couple asks him for his sperm.
Cameron: Unless you're Mitchell and me.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: All of our friends have been asked, while we have been cruelly overlooked.
Mitchell: It's painful. It's like not getting picked to play kickball.
Cameron: Well, that never happened to me. I was my kickball team's captain. Well, only after our star broke his leg and had to be put down. He was a...
Mitchell: A mule. From a mile away.

Jay: It wasn't gonna work out with Sherry anyway. She's Canadian. They have ducks on their money. They sell milk in a bag.

Claire: Honey, what are you doing?
Phil: I just saw this incredible telekinesis video. I'm trying to make a piece of bacon levitate.
Claire: Don't you have to, I don't know, work?
Phil: Are you saying it'll never happen? Is there perhaps a more colorful way of saying that?
Claire: I know you're trying to get me to say "It'll happen when pigs fly."
Phil: That counts. [gasps; lifts bacon] What? Oh, my gosh!