Phil: [aside to camera] My dad is awesome. He's awesome. He's always up. He's always happy. I mean, he and I are best buds. We're like two peas in a pod. Or Siamese twins. Or a snake with two heads.
Claire: They've actually been all those things for Halloween.
Phil: Yeah.

Luke: I always wanted a dog. Thanks, Grandpa.
Claire: Okay, but remember, having a dog is a major responsibility. Everyone in the family has to pitch in.
Dylan: Can do, Mrs. D.
Claire: Not you, Dylan.
Dylan: Oh, phew. 'Cause I got a lot on my plate right now.

[Scout barks]
Alex: I think he wants to go out. Good boy.
Phil: Smart dog.
Claire: I hate to break it to you, but I think all dogs can do that.
Luke: I'm gonna play outside. [runs into the screen door] Ow! What happened?

Luke: [trapped in the dog cage] Guys, little help? I have to go to the bathroom, and I'm not gonna do it in here.

Gloria: What's that?
Jay: That's Ben. That's the guy who was in the movie. I figure when Manny sees him, sees how nice he is, he'll realize it's all pretend.
[Ben walks up to the house and realizes the doorbell doesn't work]
Gloria: You think that will work?
Jay: Guy's a sweetheart. Manny's gonna spend two minutes with him. He'll explain how the movie's made. He's even bringing his fake machete. Thing's made of rubber.
[Ben walks around the side of the house]
Ben: [knocking on the window] Hey, are you Manny? I'm here for you. Look what I got.
Manny: [screaming] Mom, he's here!

Mitchell: I thought this was a one-time thing?
Cameron: Are you kidding? We destroyed in there. Did you hear that one lady screaming my name?
Mitchell: That was Phil. He had a Red Bull.

Frank Dunphy: It's nothing.
Phil: Oh, it's nothing? Nothing to do with Mom?
Frank Dunphy: No! Well, yeah. I've fallen in love.
Phil: Oh, my God. Who is she?
Frank Dunphy: He!
Phil: What?
Frank Dunphy: It's that little guy right over there. [to Scout] Come on over here. Come on. Come on. There you go. Ah, look at him. Driving across country, this little bastard nuzzled his way right into my heart, didn't ya?
Phil: So this is just about you not wanting to leave the dog? Well, you should tell Mom.
Frank Dunphy: Those three days on the road with him were the happiest of my life.
Phil: You should leave that part out.

Luke: [chasing Frank's RV] Bye-bye. Bye, Grandpa! Love you! Bye, Dad. Bye, Grandpa! I love you!
Phil: Luke, stay! Luke, stay!
Luke: Come back soon! I'll see you later!
Phil: Luke, stay!
Claire: Luke!
Phil: Stay!

Phil: [on the phone] Am I in trouble?
Claire: Oh, really, really big. [patting the dog]
Phil: Okay, I'm a little scared. How bad is this?
Claire: Oh, well- We have a new rule: no sleeping in the bedroom.

Jay: Geez, I didn't recognize you without that old-guy makeup on. You know, you and Mitch knocked The Sunshine Boys out of the park.
Ben: Mitch was really great in that. I always thought he should be an actor.
Jay: Yeah, he's got a real job now. He's a lawyer. How about you?
Ben: Still acting.
Jay: Fantastic.