Jay: Hey, how'd it go in there?
Manny: No cavities. And I got a free toothbrush.
Jay: Hey, you want to go to the movies? I just heard about a good one.
Manny: But I'm supposed to be in school.
Jay: Well, you're supposed to floss too, but you got away with that one. Come on. Let's go.

Frank Dunphy: Your mother-in-law just had to have the dog. Turns out she's allergic.
Claire: And the pet store didn't have a grace period or a return policy or anything?
Frank Dunphy: I got him from the pound.
Phil: [entering] Was there a twister in Kansas? 'Cause there's a house in my driveway.
Frank Dunphy: Welcome home, Mr. Dunphy.
Phil: Uh, always a pleasure, Mr. Dunphy.
Frank Dunphy: Indeed it is, Mr. Dunphy. Place it there.
Phil: Oh, I shall. I shall.

Phil: Oy. This must be Scout, huh?
Frank Dunphy: I should warn you. He sheds. I made the mistake of letting him sleep with me on the road. Now my sheets look like two bigfoots did it. [to Claire] Pardon the language.
Phil: How's Mom?
Frank Dunphy: Speaking of big feet, eh? She's on a cruise with her girlfriends, some of which are not totally unattractive.

Dylan: Haley. I gotta go.
Haley: What's wrong?
Dylan: That was Brian. He just quit the band.
Haley: What? Why?
Dylan: He's moving to Portland. His parents got back together.
Haley: Oh, that sucks.

Haley: Maybe you can find another drummer.
Dylan: No. I think it's too late for that now.
Cameron: I play drums.
Dylan: Huh?
Cameron: Well, I mean, I haven't played in a while, since Lily's come along, but if you're in a jam, I can jam.
Dylan: Well, I totally would, but I'm not sure we like the same sorts of music, you know?
Cameron: Oh, what, because I'm gay, I'm just gonna want to play show tunes?
Dylan: No, because you're old.
Cameron: Wow. That hurt more, Dylan.
Haley: Give him a chance. It's better than canceling.
Dylan: You're right. I don't want to lose the deposit on that fog machine.

Claire: I am telling you, Phil, the man was crying.
Phil: That is impossible. My dad is the happiest guy on earth. It probably just sounded like he was crying. Have you heard the noise he makes when he gets out of a chair?

Phil: No, if something was wrong, my dad would tell me about it.
Claire: No, Phil, he wouldn't, because you guys never actually talk about anything.
Phil: We talk all the time. He crank calls me at work, like, three times a week.
Claire: Crank calls don't count.
Phil: Counts for fun.
Claire: No, honestly, I think that you should find out what's going on with your dad.
Phil: It's going to be nothing. My dad isn't like your dad. There's nothing deep and dark inside. His hard candy shell is just hiding more candy.

Cameron: Well, hopefully this is- this is like riding a bicycle, and it'll all come back to me. [bass drum] That's the loud one. So here we go.
[Cameron gives a plodding performance]
Dylan: Hmm.
Cameron: Oh, silly me. I had the sticks in the wrong hands.
[Cameron gives an amazing performance]
Dylan: Wow.
Neil: Dude, you should label those sticks.
Cameron: [clicks tongue]

Manny: Is that the alarm? Has our perimeter been breached?
Jay: It's not the alarm. The doorbell won't stop ringing.
Manny: Maybe a demon is ringing it.
Jay: Not a demon.
Gloria: Ay! Who keeps ringing the doorbell?
Manny: We're pretty sure it's a demon.
Jay: Oh, yeah? [pulls the box off the wall] There. If it were a demon, it would keep on ringing.
Manny: Not if he's already inside. I'm getting a weapon.

Jay: [to Gloria] Look, all I'm saying, being scared is part of growing up. Manny will get over this. It builds character.
Manny: [holding fencing sword] I'll take the first watch. You two might as well get some rest. It's gonna be a long night.
Jay: [to Gloria] Character.