Gloria: It's a secret recipe that has been in my family for generations.
Cameron: Was your sauce buried in a local time capsule during the bicentennial? Because mine was.
Gloria: My great-aunt Miranda was the only one that could make it, and because I was the oldest girl that didn't marry a Peruvian, the recipe passed down to me.

Cameron: [aside to camera] It was a boon year for tomatoes on the farm, or what we're calling Tomatogeddon. So they made an extra-large batch of Tucker's famous, and we're selling it at the Farmers' Market.
Mitchell: Now, when you say "famous"?
Cameron: It's known Missouri-wide. A death-row inmate requested it for his last meal.

Cameron: Well, you, sir, take your time deciding. We'll be here just as sure as a coonhound takes a summer nap in the shade of a chifferobe.
Mitchell: OK, now you're just randomly throwing words together from "To Kill a Mockingbird."

Phil: [on the car phone] Hey, Lloyd, it's your dad, A. K. A. your worst nightmare. Just reminding you the duck village needs to be clean enough to eat off of. You hear me? You better not have.
Claire: You think maybe you're being a bit hard on Luke?
Phil: We're his parents, Claire. It's our job to keep him off the stripper pole.

Claire: I actually like that he's being a little bit rebellious. Sometimes, between the magic and the trampolining, I think he's getting a little You know.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: What are you trying to say, Claire? A little me? There it was again, the insinuation that I'm not dangerous enough for her. Apparently, she's forgotten I've been to jail. I once led 20 violent inmates in a therapeutic tumbling class. It was a huge success. Could I have made the participation trophies a little less stabby? Sure. But overall, a huge success.

Mitchell: Oh, no. Is this one of those video wills where you make us compete in a scavenger hunt for your inheritance?
Jay: No. It's the video for my Titan Award. I told you about it. I'm trying to project strength and confidence.
Mitchell: Maybe you should lose the Garfield "I hate Mondays" mug on the mantel.
Jay: Good catch.
Mitchell: I've waited my whole life to hear you say those words.

Cameron: Hello.
Simon: Oh, hello! Here to try our hand-caught artisanal trout jerky? - No.
Andrew: It's selling like hotcakes. Actually, better. See the vegan hotcakes stand? Next to the bespoke honey stall.
Mitchell: We should be careful. This market might be a trick to get a whole bunch of white people together in one spot.

Gloria: Come on, Joe!
Joe: I don't want to learn!
Gloria: But you have to learn! And it's so easy. Look, first, you make the little man, then you tie the rope around its throat.

Claire: You know, we're gonna have to ground you, and I was thinking that-
Phil: Oh, we're doing way more than that. Landon has a $300 fine to work off.
Luke: We could fight that, say the cop was racist. Even if we lose, it'll start a conversation.
Phil: You made a mistake, you pay the consequences, Levon. Your first job is cleaning out the awesome village I built for my ducks.
Luke: Aren't they mom's ducks?
Phil: Do you really want to test me right now?!

Jay: I'm starting over.
Gloria: Why?
Jay: You guys were bored, and the video obviously doesn't capture my essence. You think that fellow Titan Ed Fisk, the Lion of Linoleum, would make that mistake?
Gloria: How big is this event? Is there going to be a red carpet?
Jay: No, but Red Murtaugh, of Red's Carpets, will be there. I'm walking with giants, Gloria, and that's a good way to get stepped on.