Haley: [aside to camera] Ever since Andy got engaged, things between us have been weird. Like "a woman with olive skin trying to pull off red hair" weird. I just wanted to watch the movie and get out of there before it got awkward.

Claire: OK, my point is it wouldn't hurt Alex to loosen up. I mean, I'm worried that she's getting a little-
Phil: There it is again. Just say it, Claire, You like our kids running wild 'cause you're worried they're too much like their namby-pamby dad, Mr. Goody-Goody, Mayor of Vanillatown.
Claire: Is this 'cause the ducks like me better?
Phil: That is biological, and you know it. There are videos of them online following around a vacuum cleaner. They're basically idiots!

Gloria: Ay, I don't have many things that remind me of Colombia here in the house, but now I do.
Cameron: Legend has it our sauce was so secret, it was only written down one place.
Gloria: We grew up eating this every Sunday, and now Manny and Joe will, too.
Cameron: It was tattooed backwards on a lame stable boy. You could only read it in a mirror.

Claire: She's still not answering. I can't believe we lost them.
Phil: We're almost home. I can track her phone from the computer. "I hope you can track her phone better than you tracked that van." I'm sorry, Claire. Just 'cause I'm 1/64th Cherokee, it doesn't make me a natural tracker.

Claire: Phil, it's the van!
Phil: In my own house?!
Claire: Oh, no! Okay, now, hang on.
Phil: Don't hold me back, Claire! I may be one 1/64th Cherokee, but I'm also 63/64ths crazy white guy!

Phil: [aside to camera] A few weeks ago, I found a nest of duck eggs. I, uh I lovingly nursed them, and then, uh, by some sick fluke, Claire was the only one there when the ducks were born, so they imprinted on her.
Claire: Oh, I didn't do it on purpose.
Phil: Then make them come back to me.
Claire: Mm.

Phil: Well, good morning, Leonard.
Luke: Leonar-
Phil: I know it's not my well-behaved son, Luke, who'd never take our car out without a license and get arrested.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I took the car for a good reason. Sarah Fisher's cat died, and she was devastated, so I thought she might make out with me. I got caught two blocks away from her house. Everyone is having great luck with girls except for me. And I mean everyone.

Cameron: Well, at least I'm trying to sell. What is going on?
Mitchell: After buying whatever they're selling, I'm guessing people are plum out of spending money.

Simon: I'm actually glad you're here. We're looking for a new senior associate, and I was gonna call you.
Mitchell: Call me what? A has-been? "Mitch ado about nothing"? Why am I doing your work for you?
Simon: Look, on a social level, I find you hopeless, but I always thought you were a good lawyer. Maybe a great one at the right firm.

Jay: [on video] After 30 years and over a hundred thousand hanger rods installed, some people would kick back and relax. Not me. I'm Jay Pritchett. [answers phone] Pritchett's closets. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down! How many closets do you need? Yeah. I can handle that.