Jay: We don't have to be at drinks till 5:00, so I'm gonna run a few errands, take these bad boys for a spin.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, why don't you wear that new outfit that I just got you?
Jay: Uh, a little flashy, that extra zipper. Like a staircase to nowhere.

Phil: And now, as my lovely assistant joins me, it's time to chant the incantation that will send this fair maiden into the sixth dimension.
Luke & Haley: By the hat of Merlin, by the witches of Gramanthia, we do make this offering to you -- be gone!
Claire: Did I do it? Did I disappear?
Phil: Almost. Just a little bit of forehead.
Claire: Oh, I can scrunch down.

Phil: Okay. That's enough. Luke, why don't you go water our garden. Haley, just disappear for a minute.
Haley: Well, it's not like you could help with that.
Phil: Abracad-ouch.

Claire: Well, it's great having Alex home, huh?
Phil: So great.
Claire: You don't think that she's the reason why we-
Phil: No. No, I do not. We both knew that this charmed summer had to have a bump in it somewhere.
Claire: Yes. Yeah. And it's not like Alex coming home could suddenly throw off our whole happy mojo. How's that plum?
Phil: [unconvincing] Great. Oh, my God.

Mitchell: I don't care if it's cliche, I love the convenience of a nice mini quiche.

Manny: So when will you guys be back?
Jay: Looks like somebody's entertaining a lady friend. Maybe you'll pour her a nice, tall glass of Manischewitz?
Manny: You know what? Sometimes just a straight answer.

Alex: Oh, my God. Okay, I see what this is. You all are happier when I'm not here.
Claire: No, that's not true.
Alex: Save it! I'll get a ride back up there and you all can continue to enjoy your perfect, little summer!
Claire: Alex, honey!
Alex: Leave me alone!
Luke: [o.s.] We just got free cinemax!

Jay: You know Herb might stop by, right? He takes the pictures for the company newsletter.
Gloria: Yes, I love "Herb's blurbs."

Jay: A couple of months ago, I was shopping at Barneys, you know I like to stay current. Anyhow, I'm coming out of the dressing room, and I see these two young guys laughing at me, you know, like "There's the old guy trying too hard." You know, of course I get mad. But I start thinking, "They're right, Jay. You're old. Just be old."
Gloria: [slaps Jay] Listen to me, Jay Pritchett! A lot of people assume that I married you because of your money, and that's only a very, very small part of it.
Jay: I'd like to go back to that.
Gloria: I married you because you were sexy. You still are. Who knows for how long that's gonna last, for either of us. So we have to keep making an effort for each other. Next time you go to Barneys, I go with you. Maybe you're just making the wrong choices.
Jay: Not always.

Mitchell: Cam!
Cameron: What's up, dude?
Mitchell: Seriously?
Cameron: What, is that too romantic for you? [throwing away flowers] He loves me not. He loves me not. He loves me not.