Jay: I don't know if it was the six scotches I drank waiting for everybody, or the fact that I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. Or the moment Phil's suit finally gave up. They even played my favorite song.
[flashback to Jay singing "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips]
Jay: A train I'd never make unless I told Gloria it left at 11:00.

Haley: I don't get it. Doesn't the wine get the cow drunk?
Manny: Thank you.
Jay: Honest to God. Have neither of you seen a cow? They're huge.
Haley: I bet Tequila would do it quicker.
Jay: It's not the goal to get the cow drunk.

Claire: New suit?
Phil: This old thing? Yes, it is. I got it at this hipster place downtown. You like it?
Claire: It's tight.
Phil: Well, the salesman said it was the style, and he looked like a Mumford and Son, so I think he'd know.
Claire: Mm, let's go.
Phil: Whoa. Slow down, Flo Jo.

Jay: Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Manny: I've never seen you so excited about a restaurant.
Jay: I've waited six weeks for this reservation. They have an Australian wagyu beef that's supposed to change your life.
Manny: In the way heart disease changes your life?
Jay: Because you're a pillar of health. They only feed this cow alfalfa, barley, and red wine, and some chef hand-picks each cut, dry ages it 35 days before cooking it to a perfect medium-rare, all for me.
Manny: Doesn't the wine make the cow drunk?
Jay: It's not "The Far Side." The cow doesn't drive anywhere.

Phil: What are you doing?
Claire: Making sure Luke knows what to do in case of emergency.
Phil: Of course he does.
[Claire activates the fire alarm's test mode. It beeps]
Luke: Someone's at the door!
Phil: Luke, it's just your mom testing you.
Luke: Don't worry, Mom. If I hear that while you're gone, I won't answer. I'll just hide where no one can find me.

Haley: What are you doing?
Phil: I'm striking a seductive pose for your mother.
Haley: Gross. But I like the suit. Is that new?
Phil: Oh, yeah. Now that his honey gots her own money, daddy went and snagged hisself some new threads, girl.
Luke: [laughs] Hands down, your funniest voice. Bordering on the offensive.

Claire: Honey, what are you still doing here? You're supposed to be babysitting Joe.
Haley: Yeah, but I have to drop off Alex to watch Lily first, and she's still not ready. She can't be concerned about her looks, right?
Alex: [o.s.] I can hear you!
Haley: I'm kidding. I'm just saying, it'd be sad to think she actually tries.
Alex: [o.s.] Heard that, too!
Haley: It was a joke! Man, do big ears actually hear better?
Alex: Oh, my God, just stop talking.

Cameron: Oh, it's fine. You know what? We have to pick the "Save the Date" card. I'm at a loss.
Mitchell: Can we just do it tomorrow? I hate the way my dad looks at us when we're late, like we're two silly queens blasting disco music, primping, losing track of time.
Cameron: Wow, it gets really busy in that head, huh?

Jay: Gloria! Let's go!
Manny: You know she's not here, right?
Jay: What?
Manny: She's having her hair blown out.
Jay: That's a thing? That I pay for?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Gloria's always late. Then I get mad and tell her to hurry. We yell, and it just takes longer. So I promised myself, no matter how late she is, just to take some deep breaths and stay calm. That's the only thing I learned in Lamaze class because we were always late.

Claire: I think Luke is scared to be left in the house alone, and he's just pretending to be brave for you.
Phil: Honey, he's 14. We left Alex alone when she was 10.
Claire: We didn't leave her. We forgot her.
Phil: And when we got home, she was fine. Physically. Plus, she's still friends with that sweet 911 operator.