Gloria: Poor Haley. What is she going to do with all those boys?
[cut to Haley singing, with Luke and Manny providing backing vocals:]
Haley: I'll be with him I know you will On that midnight train to Georgia Leaving on the midnight train to Georgia Hey, hey, hey Whoo, Whoo!

Mitchell: So, it is still our wedding. I wasn't sure I was even invited because you keep asking for my opinion and then doing the exact opposite.
Cameron: That's one thing.
Mitchell: What about the music?
Cameron: I think our love deserves a band, not a D.J.
Mitchell: The tablecloths.
Cameron: They make sneakers out of that fabric.

Mitchell: You won't let me pick one thing, and you want to know why?
Cameron: Because I have better taste than you.
Mitchell: [gasps] I was gonna say because you're a control freak.
Cameron: [gasps]
Mitchell: And how can you think that I have bad taste? We chose the exact same outfit.
Cameron: Did we? I wore fun loafers. You wore sensible Oxfords. Your collar's buttoned down. Mine's a more current widespread. And I chose a bold pocket square to bring out the stripe in the shirt, all of which you wouldn't have thought of because, well, I've already said.
Mitchell: You don't like my Oxfords?
Cameron: I'm sorry. I'm being harsh. They're fine.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Cameron: For a small-town detective. Okay, look. I can't help myself. I did it again. So, I-I don't love them. But I do love you. And I don't want you to feel left out.

Cameron: Can you just do one thing for me?
Mitchell: Sure.
Cameron: Just be honest, and I'll let this go forever. Did you shake that can?
Mitchell: No.
Cameron: I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Jay: Thank God. Here they are. Fiona, we're all here.
Claire: Actually, Dad, we could use a moment.
Jay: I'm going to eat my hand.

Alex: "Jo immediately sat up, put her hands in her pockets, and began to whistle. 'Don't, Jo. It's so boyish.' 'That's why I do it.' 'I detest rude, unladylike girls.' 'I hate affected, niminy-piminy chits.'" Okay, this stinks. I give up.
Lily: Thank God.

Jay: [aside to camera] Last night, I had the greatest meal I've ever had, and it never would have happened if Gloria hadn't got us kicked out of that snooty restaurant.
[flashback:]
Jay: Tacos.
Mitchell: Tacos.
Jay: I need a taco.

Cameron: Here you go. I didn't know what you wanted to drink, so I just got you this soda.
Mitchell: That's fine. Thank you. Cam, what did you do?
Cameron: I did exactly what you did because I know you so well.
Mitchell: I didn't shake the soda.
Cameron: Then you have nothing to worry about, so go ahead and open it.
Mitchell: I shook it, okay? I shook the soda. I shook it up! Are you happy? It was petty and stupid and awful. I'm sorry.
Cameron: [opens the can without incident]
Mitchell: Damn it.
Cameron: Ah.