‘The Late Show’
Season 5, Episode 5 - Aired October 16, 2013
Jay managed to get the family reservations at a hot new restaurant, if they could only get there. Gloria is taking forever to get dressed, Claire and Phil bicker over letting Luke stay home alone, and Mitchell and Cameron having a clothing clash.
Quote from Mitchell
Alex: Okay, so how often does this happen?
Mitchell: Too often.
Cameron: Men just don't have that many options. I can't tell you the number of times I've walked by a women's boutique and just thought, "What I would do to have that many choices."
Mitchell: Don't ever say that again. I don't like any part of it. All right, one of us has to change. We look like twin toddlers at church.
Quote from Lily
Cameron: Lily, it's time to play "Who Wore It Best?"
Lily: No, I'm not doing this again. I can't.
Mitchell: Fine. Alex.
Alex: Uh, I don't know. Boys' clothes aren't really my thing.
Lily: Really?
Quote from Haley
Haley: Are those for sure the best earrings? They seem to be kind of getting lost.
Gloria: I have the same color in a bigger size.
Haley: How much bigger?
Gloria: Like a meter.
Haley: A meter? That's like a foot.
Manny: Actually, it's like a yard.
Gloria: Oh, sorry- It's like a millimeter.
Manny: You mean a centimeter.
Haley: All this math. Just show me.
Quote from Luke
Claire: So this sound that's the doorbell. That other sound was the smoke alarm.
Luke: Got it.
Claire: Okay, and if you're hungry, don't order a pizza. They don't screen those delivery guys. Half of them are ex-cons.
Phil: Stop it. You're gonna scare him. It's gonna be fine.
Claire: But if you do choke, you've gotta throw yourself against the back of a chair to get the food out.
Phil: He'll just drink stuff.
Claire: Nothing from under the sink.
Luke: Even if it's lemony? I'm just messing with you.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: I know this trick, Cam. You take forever to pick out an outfit, knowing very well that I'll say, "Let's just go," because we're late. Meantime, you get credit for offering to change while I'm the one who actually does. As usual.
Cameron: Excuse me. Are you accusing me of manipulating you to get my way?
Mitchell: Actually...
Cameron: Because that's what my mother used to accuse me of, and I got to say that that brings up a lot of stuff with me.
Mitchell: You're crying without tears.
Cameron: Give me a minute.
Quote from Jay
Jay: Why does she do this? We're gonna lose our table. She knows how important it is to me to be on time. This is torture.
Manny: I think you've lost perspective, Jay. You know what I would give to wait around for a woman like that?
Jay: Reel it in, creepy. That's your mother up there.
Gloria: Sorry, sorry. Once I changed the earrings, I had to change the shoes.
Haley: And then I tried on one of Gloria's old dresses, which made me feel like a 10-year-old boy.
Gloria: Ay, your body's beautiful.
Manny: I agree.
Jay: Take it outside the family.
Quote from Gloria
Cameron: Hey, Jay, where's Gloria?
Jay: She's- She was there a second-
Gloria: [making an entrance] There are my boys!
Mitchell: Gloria, you look so pretty.
Cameron: That dress is so beautiful.
Jay: You got to be kidding me.
Quote from Claire
Claire: You let him watch those scary shows with you, and then we leave him home alone at night. Of course he's gonna arm himself.
Phil: He was fine until you gave him your "50 Ways to Die" speech. What was the one about the welcome mat?
Claire: They are highly flammable. For seven to ten people a year, they may as well say, "Welcome to the Morgue."
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Again, dad, sorry we're late.
Cameron: Yeah, you know, Mitchell put on some music, and we were primping and dancing around, and I guess, well, we just lost track of time.
Mitchell: Actually, Dad, what happened was Cam was practicing this trick where he pretends to be accommodating and then magically gets his way.
Quote from Gloria
Claire: Hi, Dad. Where's Gloria?
Jay: She- For the love of-
Gloria: [making an entrance] There you are!
Claire: Wow. Look at that dress.
Phil: Gloria, holy mackerel.