Ronaldo: And whose fault is that?
Pepper: I feel like you're implying mine, but I really don't see it.
Ronaldo: How can a man with such flare for setting tables leave no seat for one who loves him?!
Mitchell: Oh, my God.
Cameron: Ronaldo's in love with Pepper.
Mitchell: I know. That's why I said, "Oh, my God."

Jay: [shouting] Gloria, I forgot my towel!
Andy: Here it is. Nice and toasty from the dryer.
Jay: Gloria!
Andy: She ran to the store. Breakfast in 5. Your underpants are pressed and on your bed.
Jay: Gloria!

Phil: So, if I'm hearing you right, you're not so much mad about the prostitute in the kitchen as you are about my lying to you.
Claire: No, I'm mad about the prostitute in the kitchen.
Phil: Hmm.
Frank: That's my bad.
Claire: Yes, it is. It's your bad, Frank. Very bad. Look, I'm a progressive woman. I-I took a pole-dancing class. I sent my daughter to college with condoms.
Frank: Boy, now, I think that sends the wrong message.
Phil: Thank you very much.
Claire: No! You don't get to judge!

Frank: I never would have gone through with it last night, but, uh, Jeannie was so nice and professional.
Jeannie: Well, thank you, Frank. And for what it's worth, you got nothing to be nervous about. You were wonderful.
Frank: Really? You think so?
Jeannie: Yeah. If you love that woman, you should go get her back. She'll be lucky to have you. Seriously, I see a lot of guys your age. Most of them can barely...
Claire: Okay. Let's get you in that cab.

Andy: Good morning, boss, junior boss. Grab a seat and check it out. Egg-white omelet, high-protein smoothies, then I thought we could put on our running shoes and go-
Jay: I need to cut you off right there, chief. Seems my wife overstepped her bounds. Now, you seem like a nice guy.
Andy: Thanks.
Jay: But I don't think you're the best fit for this house.
Andy: Are- Are you serious?
Jay: I'm afraid so.
Andy: Okay. It was the underpants, wasn't it?
Jay: That didn't help.

Andy: Man, I came on too strong. Gosh dang it! My dad warned me about that when I turned 14. He said, "Son, you're about to be the man of the family. You got to learn to give people time to see how special you are."
Manny: Why were you the man of the family?
Andy: He sort of died.
Manny: How?
Andy: I don't want to bring you down, little man. Neither did my dad. He'd say, "My disease can't be all bad if it rhymes with 'answer.'" [oven chimes] Those are the flaxseed muffins that I just baked. I'll just take them out and get out of here.
Jay: Andy, wait. We're never gonna eat them.

Gloria: No! You make me hire these nannies that I don't like. But when I find one that I like, you fire him?! I am the one that spends most of the time around here! So I get to pick!
Andy: Shh. Sometimes the louder we are, the less we're heard.You're frustrated right now, aren't you?
Gloria: Yes.
Andy: Because you feel like they're not hearing you.
Gloria: Yes.
Andy: Well, that's exactly how they feel.

Andy: Life isn't easy. Sometimes we just need a little help. Getting your confidence back, getting on the same page, getting out of your own way. Or just getting moving. And I'm pleased as punch to be the one-
Jay: Okay, this is tough enough without all the yammering!
Andy: Sorry. Whoo!

[All off screen as Lily expresses her frustration at having to listen to this:]
Pepper: What would you like to dance to?
Cameron: I have to tell you we have to have some sort of square dancing.
Mitchell: We're not doing country.
Pepper: No square dancing. There will be no hoedown tonight.
Cameron: My family is going to throw a fit. They'll riot.
Mitchell: We're not getting married for them. We're getting married for us.
Cameron: And I think we have a decorative cake out front, and then we have sheet cakes in the back.
Pepper: Oh, I see! Is that the theme you're going for. Ttacky?!
Mitchell: Sheet. Like a sheet.
Pepper: Oh, "sheet." I thought he said "chic cake.