Pepper: So, what do you think?
Mitchell: I like it. Also, is it a little Willy Wonka?
Pepper: You're tired. I'll come back tomorrow when you're ready to be more constructive.
Cameron: Pepper, no.
Mitchell: Pepper.
Pepper: Ronaldo, strike this. [flicks back his jacket] Sorry. I thought I was wearing a cape today.

Jay: I'm Jay. This is Frank and, uh, Phil.
Phil: Hi. Hey-lo. I mean hey. Or hello. I don't know.

Phil: Hey, there's Casanova! I didn't hear you come in last night. So- So, uh, how did it go with Marcy?
Frank: Oh, it was okay. But I actually met someone else while I was waiting for a taxi.
Phil: Well, all right.
Frank: And she's downstairs right now.
Phil: Well, all right.
Frank: Truth is, I, um, have a bit of a situation. She says I owe her $500.
Phil: Please tell me you broke something of hers.
Frank: No, turns out she's a hooker.
Phil: You picked up a hooker?
Frank: Well, I didn't know she was a hooker.
Phil: We're in my kitchen. We have to stop saying "hooker"!

Phil: You got to get her out of here before Claire gets back from yoga.
Frank: She's not gonna leave until she gets the cash.
Phil: $500? I think you got ripped off.
Jeannie: Hey, can I have a hit of that coffee?
Phil: Oh, that's fine.
Jeannie: Trust me. He did not get ripped off. [slaps Frank's buttock]

Phil: $247. I'm gonna have to run to an ATM. How could you not know?!
Frank: Well, the drinks, the flirting. I couldn't think straight. Have you ever touched the smooth, taut skin of a 48-year-old woman?
Phil: I hope to one day, but that's not gonna happen if Claire gets home and...

Haley: Mom, I'm gonna throw up! Alex's hair smells like cheese!
Alex: It is not cheese! It is cruelty-free organic shampoo with traces of churned goat's milk!
Haley: So cheese! Ew, I need a bucket!

Claire: Ladies, we have a guest. I am- I'm really sorry about this. I'm just at my wit's end with these two. I don't suppose you have any experience with teenagers?
Phil: Oh, no.
Jeannie: You two remind me of me and my sister. We used to fight all the time. I used to accuse her of stealing my boyfriend. She would accuse me of trying to stab her. You know, sister stuff.
Claire: Oh, my God.
Jeannie: Trust me, if I wanted to stab her, that skank be stabbed.
Claire: She's not a therapist, is she?

Pepper: Ronaldo left me.
Cameron: What?!
Mitchell: No!
Pepper: The swine! Someone put it in his head that he could do this without me. But mark my words, I will destroy him and whatever wedding he thinks he's planning.
Mitchell: Okay, well, that's one way to go.

Lily: Daddies, there's a man in the bathroom.
Pepper: What?
Cameron: That-
Mitchell: That's a Wiggles song.
Cameron: That's a Wiggles song.
Both: [singing] Daddy, there's a man in the bathroom There's a man in the bathroom He's in the shower
Mitchell: It's okay, honey. It's okay.

Pepper: Ronaldo was nothing before I found him, living in squalor in a dump barely bigger than this. How could he do this to me?
Ronaldo: Because you never listen to anybody! I have good ideas, but you're too thick-headed to hear them!
Cameron: Ronaldo, how did you get here?
Pepper: It was you two. You plotted against me. I bet that's not even a Wiggles song, is it? Is it?!
Cameron: No.