Mitchell: Lily's camp is just through those trees. I'll be back soon.
Jay: Take your time. I got a couple of Robustos to keep me company.
Mitchell: Um, what's up with the outfit?
Jay: It's to keep the smoke off me so Gloria won't smell it.
Mitchell: That's insane.
Jay: Yep, I've lost my mind. Have fun breaking your daughter out of sleepaway camp.

Mitchell: I was nine years old, at camp. There were mosquitoes, compost toilets, mean kids.
Jay: It was theater camp, wasn't it?
Mitchell: Naturally, you remember that part. The point is, I hated it. I was I was cold, and I was scared especially after this kid told this terrifying ghost story. So I snuck away to a pay phone. I called you, crying. And, in a performance even more predictable than Todd Jansen's Artful Dodger you refused to pick me up.
Jay: For your own good. Learning to fend for yourself is an important part of becoming a man.
Mitchell: Before you claim that all my professional success stems from your very, very brave decision to stay at home on the couch watching The Bionic Woman, I am going to go get Lily so that she knows she can always count on me. [coat trapped in car trunk] It's fine.
Jay: If that's your idea of a dramatic exit it's no wonder Todd Jansen got that part.

Phil: I'm sorry. I'm not proud of my behavior today. It probably started with the 5K I ran yesterday.
Luke: 10K.
Phil: For everyone else. It's the first time in 15 years I couldn't finish. Then today, it's everything I can do, you can do better.
Luke: No, I can't.
Phil: Yes, you can. It's okay. It's not your fault. Every dad goes through it the day he starts seeing his son as a man and not a boy. It's a shock. Like when we first got high-def TV and I realized Ed Bradley had an earring.
Luke: I'm not as much of a man as you think, Dad.
Phil: Oh, really? How come an hour ago, I had a 16-year-old girl's bra in my hand?
[A horrified mother and her daughter back away from Phil]

Luke: The bra belongs to me.
Phil: Oh. 'Kay. That's not the conversation I thought we'd be having but... If that's what you need on the outside to feel like the Luke you are on the inside-
Luke: No. It's to practice on. I stink at unhooking them. Last week, I tried to take one off a girl at a party. I fumbled for so long, she started to laugh. It still haunts me. [a little girl giggles] That's why I didn't go away this week. My trip wasn't canceled. Everyone found out, and...
Phil: I get it. You couldn't face them. Listen. I know this part of your life may not be moving fast enough for you but enjoy it while it lasts. Someday your life's gonna be moving faster than you want and you could wind up doing something dumb, like blinding your son.
Luke: I'm blind?
Phil: Probably not.

Haley: Alex! Alex, stop. I have been chasing you for, like, an hour. Where are you going?
Alex: Uh, this guy Weasel said he knows of some hot springs in the hills. We were just gonna go try and find them.
Haley: Oh, okay. So we'll see you in, like, what, 10 years when you spoon-tunnel your way out of Weasel's basement.

Gloria: So now everybody hates Cameron.
Senor Kaplan: Okay, look, I can't sing "Memory." It's too much song for me. So when I found out that Coach Tucker wanted to sing it as well I had my out, until he nobly stepped aside. Luckily, the sandbag fell, everyone blamed him, and I just saw my opening. I put the paint cans on the floor and pretended that the tea scalded me. But to see him crash and burn on stage, that... [snickers] It doesn't get better than that.
Gloria: Oh, it's about to, because I turned your microphone on and everybody there is listening to everything that you just said!
Senor Kaplan: No. No. No, no, no, no, no.
Cameron: You monster!
Senor Kaplan: Now, hold on.
Cameron: Ooh! Ooh-hoo!
Gloria: [eating popcorn] Amazing. And with no commercials!

Mitchell: [aside to camera] The worst thing about the woods is you never know what you're gonna run into- a bear, a hunter who doesn't take kindly to city folk or worse... Your daughter, as happy as you've ever seen her. The only thing to do was to sneak back to the car and think of a lie to tell my dad along the way.

Lily: Um, what are you doing here?
Mitchell: Okay, I thought you gave me the signal.
Lily: No. Go away. You're embarrassing me in front of eight-year-olds.

Mitchell: Um, well, it takes place at a camp a lot like this one where just beyond the woods there was a black lake. And just beyond the lake, there was a prison.
Sydney: This isn't scary.
Mitchell: Okay, it was a haunted pr- It was a haunted prison. Now on this one night, the night of the full moon what they call the "blood moon"... Ooh! Okay, what was at this prison was a ghost the ghost of an old man with glowing red eyes who breathed fire!
Sydney: I'm bored. Can we go to sleep early?
Mitchell: I think you're forgetting about the blood moon.
Girl: What's that?
Lily: Glowing eyes!
Girl: It's the ghost!
Mitchell: It's the ghost!

Mitchell: Well, I guess you finally rescued me at camp. Better late than never.
Jay: By the way, I should've come by and picked you up from camp. That "tough it out" stuff, that was my dad talking. He threw me in a lake once I was afraid of. Did I ever tell you about that story?
Mitchell: We've all heard that story. No, don't feel too bad. I was completely wrong about Lily. I almost rescued her from having the time of her life.
Jay: Oh, that's the way of things. Things work out. Someday, you'll be able to see her be completely wrong about her kids. It's fun.