Phil: So, what's this, a surprise for old Dad? You've been secretly taking lessons for months, probably longer?
Luke: Nope. I just started messing around with it today.
Phil: And you learned a whole song.
Claire: Actually, he learned two. Play him the other one.
Phil: I'm good. Thanks. Are those my shoes?
Luke: I found them in the box of donations.
Claire: They fit him perfectly. If anything, they're a little snug.
Phil: Well, he can kick 'em off, 'cause we are about to do some trampolining. Time to learn the Dunphy tuck.
Claire: I thought you said he could get hurt doing that.
Phil: It's impossible to be safe all the time. You can get hurt just walking into your own house.

Cameron: Okay, I'm gonna go hang my costume up in my dressing room and start warming up my voice.
Gloria: Dressing room? Ay, show me.
Cameron: I can't. It's the handicapped stall in the men's room.

Senor Kaplan: [to Cameron] You would do that for me? This is literally the nicest gesture I have ever witnessed and I'm from Canada.
Gloria: I don't like this. This is just like when Rosalba and Marisol found out that they were married to the same man. Marisol backed down but she was found dead two days later.
Cameron: Okay, Gloria, I think there's a chance you're trying to turn a very normal situation into one of your soap operas.

Phil: The move you're about to see was first developed by my great-great-great-grandfather Razvan Dunphy. But really, it's as old as man's quest to fly.

Phil: Um... Uh... Just adjust these springs.
Luke: They feel fine to me.
Phil: I'm sure they do. You don't have the foot sensitivity of a tramp champ. If I ever had to read Braille, I'd-
Luke: Oh, my God. I think I did it.

Claire: Oh, honey. You look exhausted.
Phil: Well, I'm not. I'm as strong as ever. Certainly the strongest person in the house.
Claire: [gasps] Is Luke doing the Dunphy tuck?
Phil: Sort of a poor man's version of it.
Claire: Wow. He added a whole new twist.
Phil: It's called over-rotation. Look into it.

Claire: [aside to camera] I was so caught up in my spring cleaning it took me a while to see that Phil was feeling inadequate. I knew what I needed to do.
[flashback:]
Claire: When you guys are done out there do you think you could give Luke my list? I have some chores on here that require some muscle.
Phil: Maybe I should take care of that.
Claire: Nah.
Phil: No, no. I-I can handle it. Luke's pretty busy out there not pointing his toes.

Claire: What are you doing?
Phil: Last item on the list move the table.
Claire: No. You should not be doing that alone.
Phil: Really? 'Cause I got the fridge out to the curb.
Claire: How?
Phil: Drug it. Stand back. I'm turtling her.

Phil: What's that?
Luke: Uh, nothing.
Phil: Is that a bra? You're not supposed to have girls up here.
Luke: I can explain.
Phil: You don't have to. You think you're an adult, but you're not. You're a kid living under my roof and you have to obey my rules. [grabs banjo, a string snaps]
Luke: Ow! The "G" string snapped.
Phil: Probably not the first time that's happened in here.

Claire: [on the phone] Haley, are you with Alex? She's not answering her phone.
Haley: Uh, yeah, yeah. We're just a tiny bit separated right now. But, uh, she's been acting a little strange.
Claire: Oh, no. What do you mean?
Haley: Um, I... Well, I'd say she's been, um, a bit distant.
Claire: Oh, no.
Haley: Mom, don't freak out.
Claire: No, I was worried about this when you two left this morning.
Haley: Oh, okay, so she was being a little uptight.
Claire: Come on. Open up, you stupid thing.
Haley: Okay, fine. She was a total buzzkill, okay? I just wanted to relax her.
Claire: Damn it.
Haley: I know. I know. It was a mistake. But it's not like I poured it down her throat.
Claire: She didn't get into Harvard.
Haley: Oh, thank God. That's why she's been acting so weird.
Claire: Wait. What do you mean, you didn't pour it down her throat? Did you get her drunk?
Haley: Hey, you hacked her computer.