‘Snip’
Season 4, Episode 3 - Aired October 10, 2012
Following Jay and Gloria's surprise pregnancy, Phil and Claire decides it's time for him to have a vasectomy to keep their five-year plan on track. Meanwhile, Jay frets over the sex of the baby while Gloria is reluctant to accept she needs maternity clothes, and Mitchell tries to help Cameron find something to occupy his time now Lily's in kindergarten.
Quote from Haley
Claire: [to Alex] Hang on. I don't like this Skylar. You don't need to change who you are to fit in with the cool kids.
Haley: [over video chat] Oh, of course she does. She just is so uncool, she doesn't know who the cool kids are.
Alex: Don't you have a class to fail?
Haley: Don't you have a raven to train?
Quote from Mitchell
Jeoux: Longe, I'm getting a protein shake.
Longinus: Okay. Mitchell, this is Jeoux.
Mitchell: Hi. Oh, just "Joe"?
Jeoux: Yes, Jeoux. J-e-o-u-x.
Mitchell: There it is.
Quote from Luke
Alex: What's with all the yogurt?
Luke: Shh! Durkas has been breaking into my locker. But I've got a little revenge planned.
Alex: Sorry. I just remembered I don't really care.
Quote from Haley
Haley: [over voice chat] Where's mom? Oh, my God, what is that outfit? Are you going goth? You still sleep with a stuffed panda.
Alex: Don't you have a fraternity to pass out in?
Quote from Phil
Claire: [aside to camera] Today-
Phil: Snip-a-dee-doo-dah! We-we've been talking about doing this for a while.
Claire: Yeah. Yeah, ever since Dad and Gloria had their little accident, we don't need any surprises.
Phil: Also, though, it will allow for a little more freestylin' in the boudoir if we're not having to worry about adding more critters.
Quote from Claire
Claire: [aside to camera] More importantly, it is an essential part of our 5-year plan.
Phil: Oh, the 5-year plan. Talk about the- The Rosses.
Claire: The Rosses. Okay, the Rosses are this couple we have known forever, and they were never able to have kids, so we always felt a little-
Phil: Jealous of them.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: I mean, we love our kids, but John and Chrissy can travel.
Claire: They're always tan. Did you know that Chrissy is eight years older than me?
Phil: I would have said eight years younger. There's just this spark in her that- Well, look who I'm talking to. You used to have it.
Claire: Wow. It's like you don't hear-
Phil: The point is, as long as we don't have another baby, that life is ours in five years when Luke goes off to college.
Claire: Or somewhere.
Quote from Haley
Claire: [to Alex] What is this? Uh, is this because of your new friend Skylar?
Haley: [over video chat] Oh, she's just trying to change her image. Nice work, by the way. You went from dork to Count Dorkula.
Quote from Alex
Claire: And I will deal with it tomorrow, but today I'm taking your father to the doctor.
Luke: He's having an ass-ectomy.
Phil: What?
Luke: I hear things.
Haley: You're getting your tonsils out?
Alex: Ohh! This family needs a dumbass-ectomy.
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: Oh, that cat is really losing its hair. Maybe we should slip it one of your Propecia, huh?
Cameron: What Propecia?
Mitchell: Your Pro- Is that not something that we're...?
Quote from Mitchell
Mitchell: [aside to camera] Since Lily started kindergarten, Cam's had a lot of free time. Now, I-I'd like to suggest he go back to work, but... Historically, uh, that has proved to be a sensitive topic.