Mitchell: Cam! You know I don't think you're lazy.
Cameron: I know. That's just stupid dad stuff. You know, I didn't like working on the farm, and he just took it as me being lazy. The truth is, is I am unfulfilled. And I do need to find something.
Mitchell: Well, you just- You seem happier when you have a challenge. You know?
Cameron: I know, I know. You know, I loved teaching music to kids, and then- Then Lily, she came along, and that's the best job in the whole wide world. You know? And now she doesn't need me as much.
Mitchell: No, come on, come on. We're gonna find you something else, all right? Yeah. And it doesn't have to be Longinus. Or this.

Phil: [running] Oh. Hey, Jay! How you doing?
Jay: Phil, you gotta stop running from things because-
Phil: Running? I'm not running. You're running.
Jay: Look, I'm not up for another round with this. Just get in the damn car! I'm not having a great day!
Phil: You're not having a great day?! Are you about to get spayed like a common schnauzer?!
Jay: They don't spay you, they fix you. You're a man!
Phil: I just want to stay one!

Jay: Look. You remember before, when I told you I was wanting to know the- the sex of the baby, for practical matters? Well, that wasn't true. I'm kind of afraid of having a girl.
Phil: Give me a break. That's not a thing. You'd just rather have a boy. Everyone would rather have a boy.
Jay: No. I'm actually scared. I get boys. It's girls- They're- They're complicated. Half of Claire's childhood, I did everything I could to try to turn her into a boy.
Phil: Well, whatever your issues were, you and Claire are good now.
Jay: Yeah, but I may not get that kind of time with this new one, and I can't screw it up. I don't think I'm sensitive enough to raise a girl.
Phil: Jay, you're being sensitive right now. I mean, I was pretty hysterical, and you calmed me down. I-I don't think you're the guy you used to be.
Jay: So you're saying that if I can deal with you, then I can handle any other little girl?
Phil: I think I'd put it a-a little differently.

Manny: You were kind of hard on that cinnamon bun guy.
Gloria: Did you hear what he said to me?
Manny: "Congratulations"?
Gloria: He thinks I'm pregnant! That is an insult when the person doesn't look it.
Manny: Mom, wait. You need to hear this. You are pregnant, and you look it.
Gloria: [gasps] I hope that this new one has some good manners!
Manny: Mom, stop! I know this whole thing is a little scary for you. Last time you were pregnant, you kinda did it alone 'cause Dad wasn't around much. But this time you have two partners.
Gloria: That's sweet. And so are you. Especially with a little bit of sugar in your face.

Gloria: Ohh! What happened?!
Manny: Your shirt couldn't take it anymore!
Gloria: The stupid dry cleaners! W- Where is it?! Ay, no! Oh!
Manny: You're running out of arms, mom! A maternity store's right over there! What was that?
Gloria: I don't know, but let's go!

Phil: It's you. I thought it was the guy coming to shave me.
Claire: Oh, good. They haven't started.
Phil: He had a little piece of bloody toilet paper on his neck. It was disconcerting.

Chrissy: And this tortoise was 200 years old. I'm sorry. I'm boring you with my trip.
Claire: No, not at all. You hot-air-ballooned over an active volcano. Three weeks ago I made every green light on Jefferson. Couldn't stop talking about it.
Chrissy: You e-mailed me.
Claire: Oh, God.

Haley: [over video chat] Mom shaved Skylar's head? That's hilarious!
Alex: It's not gonna be so fun the next time she bothers to show up for school.
Haley: What do you care? You know you don't even like her.
Alex: I don't. Skylar's awful. Mom actually did me a huge favor.
Haley: Oh, my God. Do not tell her that. She will never shut up.
Alex: I know. Remember when you admitted that you didn't hate that James Taylor concert she dragged you to?
Haley: She was unbearable!
Both: "I told you! He's got the voice of an angel!"
Haley: She's such a nerd. I kind of miss her, though.

Jay: [aside to camera] I've always seen life like a series of doors. Sometimes you get to choose the door you go through, sometimes you don't get that choice. But you still gotta walk through. So you can either go kicking and screaming. Or walk through with your head held high. And since I don't get to choose the door I'm about to go through, I just pray it's a healthy, happy kid. And a boy.