Phil: [on the phone] Claire, where are you?
Claire: Oh, honey, I just had a hellish experience at the post office. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
Phil: Nailed it.

Gloria: Manny, you don't seem so happy. You usually love when I pull you out of school to play hockey.
Manny: "A," it's "hooky," and "B," don't ever take me out of school to play hockey.
Gloria: Did something bad happen at school?
Manny: They fired the music teacher.
Gloria: Mr. Hideo Namagachi?
Manny: That you say perfectly.

Claire: Is there anything else you need for your procedure?
Phil: Um, I think I'm supposed to have ice cream.
Claire: Hmm. Actually, I don't-
Phil: I'm sorry. Is it a vasecto-you, or a vasectomy?

Doctor: That's a healthy baby.
Jay: Hold on.
Gloria: What?
Jay: Is that a license plate and a hubcap? You know, like in "Jaws"?
Gloria: I never saw it.
Doctor: I saw it, but I don't remember a scene with a hubcap in a pregnant woman.
Jay: Ah, forget it.

Gloria: Stupid dry cleaners! They shrink my clothes!
Jay: Might be time for maternity wear.
Gloria: Are you crazy? I'm barely showing.
Jay: Sweetheart, your shirts barely fit before you were pregnant.
Gloria: And I never heard you complain.
Jay: We're gonna need a bigger belt.

Haley: [on the phone] You didn't send the little green jacket?!
Claire: Honey, I am not doing this again. It took me an hour to mail that package before. I have post-post office traumatic stress disorder.
Haley: Stop smiling. It's not that clever.
Claire: It is clever, and there's no way I'm going back there today.

Gloria: Manny, don't worry. He'll find another job.
Manny: What about me? I've been buttering up Mr. Namagachi for years. He was gonna give me the lead in the school musical, "Oliver!"
Gloria: Is it not all over.
Manny: "Oliver!"
Gloria: Manny, you are a very talented boy. You're gonna find plenty of music teachers to put butter on.

Mitchell: No, I'm not going anywhere! And I should be able to talk to you about these things.
Cameron: Oh, what things? How empty my life is? You know, you have no idea what I do around this house every day. I shop for food, I pay the bills, I maintain the house, I grocery shop.
Mitchell: Same as shopping for food.
Cameron: And still I have enough time to work on my master project. And you never ask me what my master project is.
Mitchell: Because you told me not to ask!
Cameron: Fine, since you won't let it go. Does this look like the work of an unfulfilled slacker?
Mitchell: A mermaid costume?
Cameron: Hand-sewn from my own design. Have you ever stitched lycra? It's like sewing water, Mitchell.
Mitchell: It looks a little small for Lily.
Cameron: It's not for Lily. It's for the cat. It's a mermaid costume for the cat. [sobbing] My master project is a mermaid costume for a cat!

Jay: Phil, what's scaring you here? That people are gonna think less of you as a man?
Phil: No, I'm afraid it's gonna hurt.
Jay: That's what this is about?
Phil: Wait, people think that? That you're less of a man? That never even occurred to me.
Jay: Look, no one's gonna think less of you. And it hardly even hurts.
Phil: I'm unusually sensitive down there. I can't go in certain jacuzzis.

Jay: You know what? We had a nice little moment here. We don't have many of those. I think I'm gonna commemorate it.
Phil: Okay.
Jay: All right? So sit up straight. There you go. No, no, the arms down. Uh, better arms down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Relax. There you go. Perfect.
[Jay takes a picture of Phil sitting on a bench featuring an ad for his real estate company. Phil's body obscures the text so it reads "Not A Real Man" next to Phil]
Phil: Can I get a copy?
Jay: Oh, there'll be a lot of copies.