[flashback:]
Cameron: [on the phone] We sent those adoption papers to Vietnam last summer. No, thank you very much, and please remember my tone, not my words. [hangs up] She said it could take up to nine months to get a baby. It's inhuman!
Mitchell: Is it?

[flashback:]
Mitchell: I know it's frustrating, but maybe instead of driving yourself crazy waiting for the phone to ring, you could go back to work.
Cameron: Excuse me?
Mitchell: [jokingly] Get a job! No, it- It'll help you take your mind off the baby.
Cameron: Oh, what, because I'm a big, giant freeloader?
Mitchell: Actually, I think I laid out the reasons pretty clearly.
Cameron: No, I think you pegged me. Bone lazy, just like on the farm: first to bed, last to wake up in the morning. You know what? Why don't you call my dad, and you two can gab all night about what a teet-sucking layabout I am?
Mitchell: Okay, I think I might have paddled into some deeper waters here.
Cameron: What, you think I sit around all day? Well, I'm not sitting now.
Mitchell: What's happening? You keep a packed suitcase?

Doctor: So, would you like to know if you're having a boy or a girl?
Jay: Yes.
Gloria: No. Ay. I want it to be a surprise, don't you, Jay?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I'm having a baby at 65. You want another surprise, Gloria? Buy yourself a box of Cracker Jacks.

Jay: Let's go! Chop, chop!
Phil: Seriously? "Chop, chop"?
Jay: Oh, right. [chuckles]

Longinus: So? What do you think?
Cameron: Finally, a store that sells shirts men actually wanna wear.
Longinus: Thank you. Look, holla if you need me. We're a little shorthanded today.
Mitchell: What happened to J'Marcus?
Longinus: Don't ask. She's a j'mess.

Jeoux: Oh, is this the Mitchell you're helping out because he wants his boyfriend to get a job? [Longinus and Mitchell signal for Jeoux to stop] I don't know what you're doing. Should I wave? Did your boyfriend take the job?
Mitchell: Oh, my God! That looks so good on you, Cam!
Cameron: Don't even. It is everything I can do to not create a scene right now. You will pay for this.
[Alarm blares as Cameron storms out of the store wearing a new shirt]
Cameron: And this. [grabs a scarf] And this.

Receptionist: Is there a Phil Dunphy here?
Jay: I'm his father-in-law. He's gonna need a moment. Is there anything I could fill out for him?
Receptionist: Not unless you want the vasectomy.
Jay: Where were you six months ago?
Receptionist: Barbados. Now I really need to speak with the patient.
Jay: Got it. Phil, get over here. Phil?
Man: [in agony] He just ran ou-
Jay: You know what could do wonders for your business here? A recovery room.

Alex: Mom, what are you doing here?
Claire: I am changing my shirt. Why aren't you at school?
Skylar: Mrs. Dunphy, we just-
Claire: Oh, no, you don't get to talk, Morticia.

Alex: Okay, we cut last period. Big deal, because we're shaving the backs of our necks, which is totally a style.
But of course now you're going to freak out, like you always do about every little thing.
Claire: Let's do it.
Alex: What?
Claire: Yeah. Yeah. Let's shave up some heads. Come on. Who's first?
Alex: Uh, okay. Okay, mom, we- We don't need you to do that.
Claire: Are you afraid?
Alex: I'm not afraid!
Claire: Then let's do this. It's shaving time. Shavy gravy. Shaved by the bell.
Alex: Why are you talking like dad?

Mitchell: Would you stop running away?
Cameron: Nope.
Mitchell: C-Cam! Come on! You know, I can barely catch up with you now that you lost all that weight.
Cameron: You know what? I am sleeping better, and I do have more energy... Oh, you know what? You're good.
You're very good.