Mitchell: Oh, my God. You will not believe what Dad just said. So, we're at the mall, right? And there's a piano there. I sit down behind it. I start-
Claire: Come on, Mitchell. He's just not wired for compliments. I'm sure your playing was great.
Mitchell: I don't play the piano. I've never taken a lesson.
Claire: Are you sure?
Mitchell: Oh, my God. My own family doesn't even know me.

Claire: Mitchell, please. Don't be so sensitive. You don't see me pitching a fit because Cam is too much of a snob to use our hand-me-downs.
Cameron: Sn-- I'm sorry -- snob? I will have you know I come from simple farm folk. There is permanent dirt underneath these fingernails from working the soil.
Claire: Really? I had no idea that re-potting your orchids counted as "working the soil."
Cameron: Okay, they're in soil, are-- You know what? I don't want to talk about this. I don't need to listen to this. I'm gonna go out and get some air.
Lily: I know the feeling.
Cameron: Retire it. Seriously.

Phil: [aside to camera] I'd done a pretty good job eliminating all traces of that record, but there was still one loose end.
[flashback:]
Phil: [on the phone] You know, earlier today, when we ran into each other on the street?
Jay: I didn't see you. You didn't see me.
Phil: Okay, so you're saying whatever either one of us might have been doing will remain forever-
Jay: I didn't see you. You didn't see me.
Phil: Just to be c- [phone cuts off]

Phil: [aside to camera] The repair guy came, but I missed him. [as Claire] "Why? What were you doing?" "Listening to a record." "What record?" "It's not important." "Phil!" "The soundtrack to my first sexual experience that I think about from time to time. Honey, where are you going?! Don't take the kids!"

Cameron: She called me a snob, Mitchell. I'm- Oh, I'm sorry if I don't rush to throw Lily in every bargain-bin rag Claire tosses our way.
Mitchell: You're not really shedding the "snob" tag with that.

Mitchell: Look, why don't we just put Lily in one of Alex's shirts for the picture tonight?
Cameron: She'll see right through that.
Mitchell: No, you're thinking of Haley's shirts.

Mitchell: That's why I'm looking for a photo of Lily in a hand-me-down to show Claire, but I-I can't seem to find one. By the way, I'm barely in any of these.
Cameron: Mitchell, are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?
Mitchell: Yes! Sometimes I feel like this family looks right past-
Cameron: You're suggesting that we stage a photograph. Put Lily in some hand-me-downs. Make it look like it's from the past - Christmas, say - just to prove Claire wrong. Simplicity itself.
Mitchell: That's not remotely what I'm saying.
Cameron: Mitchell, don't second-guess yourself. It's simplicity itself.

Claire: [on the phone] Yes, once again, I would like to speak to a supervisor. Listen, if my husband said nobody came, nobody came.
Luke: Dad, it's your move.
Phil: No, I think I should just play it cool for now. I'm so sorry. [makes chess move]

Alex: Score! I got a disease that's rare and fun: narcolepsy.
Claire: The company swears that the driver was here at 10:00. They're putting him through to me right now. I'm gonna chip away at his story.
Luke: Let's see how you get out of this.
Phil: I'm thinking.
Alex: It's a neurological condition where people under extreme stress actually fall asleep. It's like a way for the brain to escape.
Claire: I bet he was doing something he shouldn't have. I'm just gonna let him keep talking till he makes a mistake. Everybody makes mistakes.
Luke: And the noose tightens.
Haley: Why were my headphones in the couch?
Claire: [on the phone] Oh, good. You do keep GPS logs on all your drivers.
Phil: There's no way out.
Claire: Let me just write down your name. Hey, does anybody need a receipt from Flipside Records?
[Phil temporarily falls asleep, his head hitting the table as his hand moves a piece on the chess board]
Luke: Damn it! I didn't even see that!
Alex: Wow.

Fred: I see you're registered for tonight's show. First one, huh?
Jay: Yeah. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that whole prancing-in-a-circle thing in front of everybody. Can someone else run her through her routine?
Fred: It has to be the owner.
Jay: I suppose that's the best. We have a rapport.
Fred: All right. See you at 5:00.
Jay: At 5:00. Uh, I got a family thing at 5:00. Do these things tend to start on time?
Fred: Of course. It's not a cat show.