Jay: [aside to camera] I didn't know what he was talking about, but I needed him to keep his trap shut. You see, lately, I may have been dabbling in something that strong, virile men like me aren't suppose to be dabbling in. And it wouldn't exactly fit my image if people found out I was considering entering a certain adorable dog in a dog show. Gloria thought I was out getting my tires rotated. Actually, I was buying Stella a decorative show collar, you know, just in case. I figure if she looks beautiful, she'll feel beautiful.

Phil: He didn't show up.
Claire: What?! That is so annoying!
Phil: I know. Put away your groceries. I'll call him and reschedule.
Claire: No, no, no, no, no. You are too nice. I am calling. I am not resting till I get to the bottom of this.
Phil: It's no big deal. It's not the first time I've been stood up by some guy.
Claire: Oh, listen to your words, Phil.
Phil: ... Yep. Yep.

Alex: Dad, is there anything bothering you that might be causing - I don't know -- major psychological stress?
Phil: No. I've been acting normally, haven't I?
Alex: Did something happen earlier today?
Phil: Uh, nothing at all.
Alex: Because you seem a little tense.
Phil: What? No, I don't! Stop badgering me! I love your mom! Let's listen to some music. Boy, the way you cook things up sometimes, it's a little- [Carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better" plays; Phil falls asleep]
Alex: Dad!

Alex: You fell asleep! It's like the fifth time today. I think it has something to do with that guy not showing up to fix the washing machine.
Phil: Well, that's not exactly what happened.
Alex: You snuck out to buy "Nobody Does It Better" from Flipside Records, and he showed up?
Phil: That's more exactly what happened. How do you know all this?
Alex: I've been watching you all day. I think the guilt from that has been causing you to fall asleep.
Phil: So you know about Carla?
Alex: I do now. [Phil falls asleep again] Dad!
Phil: What is happening?!

Luke: What fell out of Lily's pocket? Is that a diamond ring?
Manny: Huh. That'll go great with your shirt.
Cameron: It looks real.
Gloria: It is real. A small occlusion, but very good color. This is Claire's.
Phil: No. Claire's got her's on.
Claire: Yeah.
Gloria: Ay, Phil, please, you cannot tell the difference between this beautiful, but a small, diamond and that chunk of glass that should have made her finger fall off weeks ago. I feel like I am getting you in trouble. Picture time!

Jay: In fact, you inspired me recently.
Mitchell: Oh, how so?
Jay: Well... Fine. I've been going through this thing lately. It all started when I noticed a group of guys in the corner in the park. And, uh, honestly, when I first found out what they were doing, I thought it was kind of weird, but I found I kept thinking about it. And I thought I'd give it a whirl.
Mitchell: Ok- Okay. Go on.
Jay: I think you know where I'm going with this, but one of the older guys showed me the ropes. Next thing I know, I'm hanging out at that park in that corner every day and loving it.
Mitchell: Uh-huh.
Jay: But I must have also got some shame about it because it feels good when I'm doing it, but... Is that me now? A guy with a show dog.
Mitchell: There it is! Okay, see, I-I knew what it wasn't. I just wasn't sure what it was.

Mitchell: You should go.
Jay: I don't want to sneak out, and I don't want people to know about it.
Mitchell: Dad. A wise man once told me, "I don't get it, but if that's who you are, don't you dare be ashamed of it."
Jay: I did handle that kind of well.
Mitchell: Yeah, yeah, well...
Jay: And it wasn't easy. I just never pictured my kid a lawyer.

Gloria: Hola! How did it go at the mall?
Jay: Bought a shirt, angered my son, another successful outing.

Lily: Can I wear this for the family photo?
Cameron: Oh, honey, that's adorable, but, you know, Gloria wants us in jeans and a black t-shirt. Classic and casual. And then maybe afterwards, we can stop by and change the scenery in a high-school play.

Claire: That is a really cute dress.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, thank you. Just got it yesterday.
Claire: Really? It reminds me of something I gave you six months ago. Do you ever put her in the girls' hand-me-downs?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. All the time.
Claire: Really? Because if my girls' old clothes aren't to your taste, I could always just give them to somebody else!
Cameron: Okay, calm down, Claire. Your voice is getting to that pitch that disturbs our cat.