Claire: Honey, you found those eggs weeks ago, and they still haven't hatched. Should you prepare yourself for the possibility that they might be...
Phil: Alligators?
Haley: Dead.
Phil: What?! Can you believe your sister?
Luke: Yeah, I do. They're dead.
Phil: The only thing that's dead in this kitchen is your childlike sense of wonder.

Phil: So, Dylan, I'm building a duck village later. You want to help?
Dylan: Whoa, whoa. That's some tricky wording on that question.

Phil: It's time! Boil some towels!
Claire: Every time I have an egg? Really?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We have been renting the upstairs unit to some frat boys from Cam's old college. They're here for some big game and to try and get on "The Price Is Right. " Unfortunately for me, it has brought out Cam's "bromosexual" side.

Cameron: All right, let's do this!
Lily: Why is daddy talking like that?
Mitchell: She crazy.

Gloria: Okay, commercials. So, this is what you're going to do. First you're gonna take me to the hotel to meet Mariela. I'm gonna invite her over for dinner tonight. She has a charity event at 5:00, but they're not serving food.
Manny: Stalker.
Gloria: While I'm with Mariela, you're gonna go back to your coffee girl and you're gonna give her the chance to get to know you.
Manny: You really think I-
Gloria: Shh! Commercial is over.

Claire: Just come over here and help dust me off. I've got an important meeting, and I can't go into the office covered in flaxseed.
Phil: It's actually a proprietary blend of oats, grub worms, and cricket parts.
Claire: And we're dusting.

Claire: You know Luke has failed that driver's test twice now, right?
Mitchell: My options today are frat house, duck village, or car crash. I'm feeling very comfortable with my decision.

Luke: Silence makes me nervous. Talk about something. Tell me about your day.
Mitchell: Uh, okay. Well, this morning, uh, I woke up and almost got my nose broken by a football. We have some frat guys staying upstairs, and Cam hangs out with them a lot.
Luke: And you're not okay with that?
Mitchell: I don't know. I-I guess. [sighs] Who cares?
Luke: [looking at a driver in another lane] Come on, let me in.
Mitchell: Okay, if I'm being honest, I find Cam's behavior a little embarrassing, you know, with all of his "yos" and "bros." I mean, calm down. You're a middle-aged gay man who punctuates sentences with your hip.
Luke: Finally.
Mitchell: I know. It feels good to admit it, you know?
Luke: [to a pedestrian] Go on.
Mitchell: You know what else is really irritating? How needy he is with them.

Gloria: How did it go with your coffee girl?
Manny: Really great, actually. Yeah, I-
Gloria: You're lying.
Manny: How could you tell?
Gloria: I couldn't. You just confessed.
Manny: I got up to the counter and panicked. I bought two Christmas CDs, a muffin I didn't need, then left.